
07 Nov A Little Bit Country
âA Little Bit Countryâ
Written by Drew Stepek Edited by Craig Groshek Thumbnail Art by Craig Groshek Narrated by N/ACopyright Statement: Unless explicitly stated, all stories published on CreepypastaStories.com are the property of (and under copyright to) their respective authors, and may not be narrated or performed, adapted to film, television or audio mediums, republished in a print or electronic book, reposted on any other website, blog, or online platform, or otherwise monetized without the express written consent of its author(s).
đ§ Available Audio Adaptations: None Available
â° ESTIMATED READING TIME â 32 minutes
I walked into that office anâ wiped some dirt anâ sweat off a my head with my arm. The office was as white as a laundry mat with one desk anâ two chairs in front of it. A fat man in glasses with a pencil behind his ear stood up anâ started clapping his flabby olâ hands. He was sweatinâ anâ his fat face was all red. I was sweatinâ, too so I dinât pay it no bother. He had long hair pulled back in a ponytail like a girl anâ one a them funny beards. I think people called âem Van Dykes.
âThere he is,â he shouted âcross that room.
I stopped dead in my tracks. It was the first voice I had heard since⌠I canât even remember nothinâ. Since Iâd been there. Thatâs for damn sure.
âWell?â the fat man badgered me. âAre you going to close the fucking door and come in? Were you born in a barn?â
I looked back outside the office as I gripped on to that door handle. There was nothinâ but black behind me. I sniffed my nose anâ cracked my olâ neck.
âJesus Christ, son,â he hollered. âWe have a lot to get to.â
I jiggled at the handle a bit anâ then closed it, as I was told. âWhere am I?â I asked him.
âCome on over here and take a seat.â He pointed at one of them chairs in front a his desk. âWe have a lot to get through before I can send you out.â
I shuffled my dirty, bare feet over toward him. âSend me out where?â I asked him. âAm I goinâ somewhere?â
He pointed at the chair on the left in front a his desk. âYouâve been brought up to the big leagues, son. Didnât anyone brief you?â He picked up his phone anâ pushed a flashinâ button. âPhillips!â he howled. âWhat the fuck is going on?â He waited a sec anâ then rolled them bulgy eyes a his. âDidnât anyone educate numberââ  He shuffled his hands âround the stacks a papers on his desk anâ pulled out a folder. He opened it anâ dragged his finger down that page. âNumber two, two, five, dash, six, one, six, two, three, two, two, eight, five, nine, seven, two, three, five, one, niner? I got him in my office now looking at me like he doesnât know where he is.â He covered that phone with his hand. âFucking processing. Heads are gonna roll, thatâs for sure.â He pointed to that left seat again. âWhy donât you take a seat while I get your paperwork all situated.â
âIâm just fine standinâ right here,â I tolâ him.
He waved me away like a bumblebee and took his hand off a that phone. âWhat do you mean he hasnât been processed yet? Did he at least get his orientation?â He covered up that phone again anâ asked, âDid you have your orientation yet?â
I dinât remember getting no orientation, so I said, âI donât know.â
He slapped himself on the forehead. âOkay, Phillips. He donât know. Ask Thompson what I should do.â He pointed pulled the phone away from his ear anâ pointed to it. âHold music. Itâs just the worst.â He rocked back in that chair a his anâ put his arms behind his fat olâ head. His armpits were drenched like he just got sprayed with a garden hose. He pulled that phone back to his ear anâ listened. He let out a big gust of wind anâ pulled out that pencil from behind his ear. He started writing stuff on that folder. âOkay,â he said. âOkay. Wait. What?â He snapped the pencil in half. âWhat do you mean I have to do it? Iâm his handler. He should already be prepped and ready to go. Goddammit, Phillips! Heâs supposed to go out today.â He started beatinâ that phone against his head. Not hard like. I think he was makinâ a point. âDo you really expect me to believe that the processing department is short-staffed? Weâre in fucking Hell. There are zillions of people down here.â He waited a second anâ listened to Phillips. âOh, donât worry, The IT will hear about this.â He put his hand over that phone anâ looked at me. âCan you believe this guy?â Then, he pulled it right back to that face a his. âFuck me? Fuck you, Phillips.â He slammed that phone back onto its butt. He put his hands over his sweaty, lady haircut anâ started laughing like a mental patient.
âExcuse me, mister?â I tried to get his attention. âWhat in the heck am I doinâ here?â
He peaked out behind them hands anâ took a deep breath. Then, he opened up that folder. âCome on over here and take a seat.â He pointed at that left chair.
I limped on over. Seemed like I had been walkinâ forever anâ my legs hurt. I pulled that chair out from his desk. âI havenât sat down in a long time, mister.â
He picked up some glasses anâ went back to the folder. âHmmmm. Itâs not like sitting is something you have to learn how to do.â He looked up at me. âJust jokes, son.â  Then, he looked back down at that there folder again. âYep!  Looks like youâve been walking for a long time.â He took them glasses off. âHow long do you think youâve been down there?â
I brushed off the seat on that chair. âI donât know. Seems like forever.â
He smiled at me. âYou donât need to tell me. Iâve been there. Thing is that there is no time in Hell. Itâs just⌠here.â
I bent down ta take that seat anâ then fell right onto my ass. That chair wasnât even there at all.
He shot outta his seat anâ shouted, âBAM! That never gets old.â
âYou tryinâ to hoodwink me, mister?â I looked behind me ta see who pulled it away before I tried ta sit in it. No one was there. The chair wasnât even there no more.
He started screaming anâ laughing anâ pounding his fists on the desk. âSo classic. So classic.â
I rubbed on my legs anâ my butt. They sure did hurt. âWhere did that chair go? Why in the hell would you yâall do that to me?â
He stopped laughing for a second anâ then looked behind him like I wasnât talkinâ to him at all. Then, he turned back to me anâ looked at me like he didnât know whether to check his watch or scratch his ass. âYâall?â He turned around again. âIâm the only one here.â He took his seat anâ then went back to that folder. âOh. Here we go.â He thumped on that folder with his finger. âYouâre from the American South. Duh.â
I got back to my feet anâ brushed off the backs a my legs. âI guess so. Donât âmember much.â
He snapped his fingers anâ that chair came right back up behind me like some kind a magic trick. âNo one remembers much about being up there.â He pointed at that white ceiling. âTake your seat, please, son.â
I stepped up toward him. âMister. I got a mind toââ
âJust sit down. I got my laugh for the day.â
I grabbed the chair by its arms anâ lowered myself onto the seat. It dinât get swallered up into thin air this time âround.
He threw the folder back on the desk. âWell, you donât have a name on here other than number two, two, five, dash, six, one, six, two, three, two, two, eight, five, nine, seven, two, three, five, one, nine.â
I was listeninâ to him best I could but I was thinkinâ more about how good it felt good ta sit down. Seemed like I had really been walkinâ âround in them hot, olâ caverns forever. âYouâre the first person I spoke to since I been here.â
He looked at me like I was a squirrel in rat trap anâ pointed a new pencil at me. âIâm gonna call you Country.â
I started liking at my dry hands with my tongue. âWhy you wanna call me that?â
He started making fun a the way I talked. âWell, youâre a lilâ bit country⌠beinâ a southern gentleman anâ all. Besides, I donât want to have to read off that long number every time I want to call you something.â
âI think I want to go back to them caverns now, mister,â I tolâ him.
He put his elbows down on the desk anâ looked at me straight. âNo, I donât think you do.â
My hands were covered in callouses like I got chicken pox from a baseball mitt. I tried to lick at them, best I could. âAnd why is that?â
âJesus,â he yelled and then pushed me some lotion on the corner of his desk. âLicking your hands is only going to make them worse.â
I squirted a lilâ bit of lotion out of the jar anâ then smelled it. âThis ainât hot sauce or nothinâ, is it?â
âHot sauce? Hilarious.â He grabbed the bottle and squeezed a lilâ bit onto his hands anâ then lathered âem up. âThat is a good idea, though. I need to remember that one.â He stood up. âYou want something to drink, Country?â
âBetter not be no hot sauce,â I warned him.
He walked over to a water cooler in the corner that wasnât there a second before. âWhat is your obsession with hot sauce?â He poured out some water into a lilâ cup anâ brought it back to me.
I grabbed the cup anâ sucked it down. I couldnât even remember the last time that I had water. I handed it back to him. âCan I have me a lilâ more?â
He chuckled. âYou bet, Country.â He walked back to the water cooler anâ refilled that cup. âYou know. Youâre real lucky. In all my time of working as a handler down here, Iâve never seen anyone make it to agent status so quickly. The IT must have seen something special in you.â
âThe IT?â I asked.
âYeah. The IT. Trust me.â He mosied back to me with my second cup a water. âIâm just a lowly handler and I had to suck The ITâs dick and eat The ITâs pussy for what seemed like forever.â
âYou ainât making no sense.â I took the cup anâ licked at the rim like a bullfrog catchinâ a fly before I drank it down. It was the best darn water I ever did have.
âThe IT is what people up there call the Devil,â he giggled. âSatan? Lord of the Underworld? Mephistopheles?â
âLet me get this straight, mister. The Devil is some kind a lady?â
âDidnât you just hear me say that it had a dick, Country? Keep up. You ever heard of a lady with a dick?â
I crunched up the paper cup over my head anâ tried my damnedest to squeeze every darn drop of water out of it. âYou also said that The IT had a vagina.â
âThe IT has both,â he started yappinâ. âI donât know what the fuck I was sucking and eating. You donât ask The IT questions. The bottom line is that I did my time and I got this job. Now, as of today, I work for you.â
âWell, I never heard âbout nothinâ like that about dicks anâ vaginas anâ all. I also never even met this IT thing.â I unfolded the cup anâ put it down on his desk. I wanted more water but I didât want to seem like I was given him no disrespect. âWhat are we gonna be doinâ? Shovelinâ pig shit or somethinâ?
He sat down behind his desk and started gigglinâ. âNo, Country. We wonât be shoveling pig shit.â He pulled open a drawer behind that desk a his anâ then dropped a bunch a books anâ folders in front a me. âAs of today, you are an agent. You will be sent out into the field to manipulate the forces of Heaven. Your purpose⌠our purpose⌠it to breakdown the followers of God one at a time.â
âDo what now?â I picked up one a them books anâ flipped through the pages.
He smirked anâ put out his hand to shake mine. âNameâs Sonny Hooper. You can call me Hoop. I will be your coach and your handler.â
I looked up from that book, licked my hand anâ shook his.
âYou do know how to read, donât you?â he asked me.
* * * * * *
âI assume you slept well,â Mr. Hooper asked me. He walked over anâ handed me a big olâ bottle a water.
I pulled some crust off the inside a my nose anâ sucked that water down. It refilled by itself.  âWell, Iâll be.â I figured it was some kind a magic or somethinâ. âIt sure was nice to sleep in a bed but that fan wasnât really workinâ real well.â
âCountry!â he dug them flabby hands a his into a bag a potato chips. âYouâre in Hell! Do you know how hard it is to get fans down here at all?â He waved me over to a new door that appeared behind his desk, over by that water cooler.
I followed him. âI remember one summer. All them hardware stores in my town were outta fans.â
âThat must have been like Hell. It said in your file that youâre from Tupelo, Mississippi. The home of The King.â
Like he just turned on a lightbulb in a closet, I âmembered the king. I âmembered Elvis. I liked music.
He put out his hand anâ let me enter that new room before him.
I looked inside. It was all white with some kind a computer doohickey anâ some other type of trough that looked to be hooked up to the computer doohickey. âThere ainât no tricks in here is there? Like that chair?â
He put up his arms and the flab jiggled in his short-sleeved shirt. âWe donât have time for tricks, Country.â
I walked into that room.
He pointed to the computer doohickey. âThat is the machine that will take you back to the earth realm.â
I scuffled over to the trough anâ bent down to smell it. It wasnât a trough like the tin ones I used to fill on my daddyâs farm. At least I dinât think so. âIâm gettinâ out?â I licked at them hands a mine. âI get to leave?â
He put his hand over his face. âOh, God, no. You just get to go on a⌠hmmm⌠vacation.â He walked over ta that computer doohickey anâ pushed a coupla buttons on a typewriter that light up like a Lite Brite toy. âDid you read any of the books or assignments that I gave you yesterday?â
I walked over to him anâ looked at the window glass TV screen on top a that computer doohickey. âIt was too dark ta read.â I touched that window screen.
He swatted my hand away like it was a fly on a hot dog. âDonât touch that, Country. Are you telling me that you donât know how this works?â
I was gettinâ a lilâ tired a his tone. âI said it was dark.â
He smacked himself on the head. âFuck, thatâs right. You canât read.â
âI can read,â I yelled at him. âI think.â
âLook. Itâs not that hard. Iâve sent several agents into the field without understanding the ins and outs of the equipment.â He handed me a lilâ June bug lookinâ thing. âPut this over your ear.â
I turned that critter over andâ hundreds anâ thousands a legs jiggled around. I dinât much like that bug. âItâs not gonna bite me, is it?â
âBite you? No!  Itâs an earpiece so I can communicate with you.â He pointed at a microphone cominâ outta that Lite Brite typewriter in front a the computer doohickey. âI talk into that and you hear me in your ear. I will be watching you from this.â He pointed at that window glass TV. âThat way I can monitor what youâre doing. We canât have you breaking any of the treaty agreements with the guys upstairs.â He pointed to that ceiling.
I put the bug in my ear. It clamped over the top anâ the bottom. I feft all thousands a them legs prick into my skin. âYou mean God?â
âGod.  Jesus. Angels and shit. The other team. Let me make this simple.â He pointed to that white trough. âYou will be in here.â Then, he walked over to that computer doohickey. âI will be watching you from here. You will be doing what I say and playing for our team. Itâs like football.â
âI like football, I think.â I scratched at my ear. That June bug was locked on there pretty tight. It was makinâ me wanna sneeze for some reason. âWhat position am I playinâ?â
âItâs not literally football. You will be taking over the body of a little girl who is presumed possessed. The device in your ear will control your crossing between the realms.â He tapped on that June bug thing.
I looked at that window glass TV on top a that computer doohickey. It was seeing everything that I was seeinâ. I waved my hand in front a my face. âHuh?â
âThis machine,â he waved his hand around the room. âItâs connected to Hellâs core. It allows us to communicate with the earth realm through little girls.â
I dinât much understand what he was sayinâ so I just acted like I did anâ nodded my head. âWhy lilâ girls?â
âThey are the easiest to occupy. For some reason, everyone thinks that when a little girl is sad or starting her period that sheâs possessed. So, we breach their consciousness when they are easily inhabitable. I could tell you a million stories of all the times that the other team has tried to shut down our operation because we figured that out. Thatâs why there is a treaty in place. We can scare the hell out of anyone we want but we canât kill anyone from their team. Itâs become a game of influence.  We used to be able to take down whoever we wanted. But, the IT has kind of a weird relationship with the other team. Remember that. Our job is to outwit them and show the rest of the earth realm the persuasion of The IT.â
I looked at Mr. Hooper and then at the TV screen. âRemember what?â
âJesus, Country!â He put one of them hands a his on the microphone anâ pushed a coupla buttons on that Lite Brite typewriter. âPhillips!â He turned around to look at me and said, âJust a second.â He turned back to that computer doohickey. I saw the back of his head in that glass window TV. âThis guy isnât ready.â He put his hand over that June bug in his ear. âI know that weâre short-staffed, asshole. I think we should send him back to the caverns. He doesnât even want to do this.â
I walked over anâ tapped him on the shoulder. âMr. Hooper.â
âHoop! Call me Hoop!â He shushed me like we was in a church. âNot you, Phillips. I know you know my name. Heâs talking to me.â
The June bug in my ear started to itch some more. âHooper, I donât wanna go back to them caverns. What do I gotta do?â
He put up his finger again. âWait, Phillips. It looks like he doesnât want to go back to the caverns.â
I shook my head no anâ talked into my June bug. âI donât wanna go back to them caverns, Mr. Phillips.â
âYou heard it from him. Can we send him up to show you that heâs ready? Yes. Okay.  Of course, Iâll get him to sign the paperwork.â Mr. Hooper stuck up his thumb. âI think weâre in business.â He walked over to the trough anâ flipped some doodad. âOh, fuck you, Phillips.â He smirked anâ winked at me. âYou have a better chance of going back to the caverns than my boy Country.â He waited a second. âOh, yeah. You wanna make a wager? Youâre on.â He waited another second. âToolshed? Are you fucking kidding me? Sheâs in a fucking toolshed? This hick will be a rockstar in a toolshed.  If Country fucks this up, Iâll do a thousand years in the caverns. If he does things right, you go back to the caverns. Later, dipshit.â He put his hand over his June bug like he was hanginâ up a telephone.
âDo I gotta go back?â  I took another drink from my water. Sure did taste good.
Mr. Hooper grabbed a stack a papers that was sitting next to the computer doohickey. He handed it to me. âYou have to sign this. Now.â
I looked at the pages but couldnât read nothinâ. âWhat does it say?â
âThatâs right, you canât read.â He grabbed them papers back.
âI can read. I think.â
He pointed to the first page. âThis says that you are enlisted in service of the underworld and that you pledge yourself to The IT.â He went to the next page. âThis says that you will abide by the rules of the treaty. Blah, blah, blah. Remember. Donât kill any priests, parents, good Christian people. We donât kill. Our mission is to influence.â He flipped through more a them pages. âThis is the treaty.â He flipped through what seemed like a coupla hundred pages anâ finally he got to that final page. âThis says that you are choosing not to walk the caverns anymore. And finally, this says that you wonât try to escape once youâre in the earth realm.â
âEscape?â
âYeah, man. If you rip this off,â he rubbed on the June bug in my ear, âwhen youâre in the earth realm, youâre trapped there.â
I took a sip a that water. âSo, Iâd be free?â
âNo. Youâre not going there as yourself. Only your soul⌠hmmmm⌠your brain is going there. You will be trapped in the body of one of your hosts. Sure, youâll feel all the same pain that your host feels and youâll be able to smell the air and taste the food and all that good shit, but you wonât be there. Imagine being in a jail where you canât talk to anyone you see.â
âThat sure does sound better than them caverns,â I tolâ him.
âOf course it does.â He flicked his fat olâ finger on that page. âOnce you sign this, youâll never see the caverns again. I promise. You will be able to drink all the water you want. Youâll have a bed and a room every night. If you help me win this bet, shit, Iâll get you a working fan and some lights in your room.â He handed me back them papers anâ a pen. âPlease help me out, Country. In case you didnât hear, I just made a bet with that pederast Phillips. Man, do I hate that guy. Heâs been trying to steal my job for years.â
I looked at them papers anâ grabbed that pen. âSo, my brain wonât be here anymore?â
He turned back to the computer doohickey. âNo, your little brain wonât be in Hell anymore.â
âI donât much like the way youâre talkinâ to me again, Mr. Hooper.â
âFine,â he said as he punched away on that Lite Brite typewriter. âBig brain. You have a huge fucking brain.â
I started to sign them papers anâ then stopped. âWait, whatâs my name?â
He didnât turn around. âJust sign the contract âCountry.â If you canât spell that, just put an âX.â Iâll send it over to Phillips immediately and heâll process âtwo, two, five, dash, six, one, six, two, three, two, two, eight, five, nine, seven, two, three, five, one, nine.ââ
I scratch an âXâ on that last page.
Mr. Hopper snatched them papers back from me anâ fed them inta his computer doohickey. âThis should do the trick. Thing is that you need to follow the rules when youâre up there because weâre sending you out as an unprocessed agent. We are taking a chance on you because I believe in you.â He waited a minute. I took a gulp a water.
âDid you get the contract, Phillips?â He snapped his fingers at me anâ pointed toward the trough. Then, he whispered at me, âGet in.â
I walked over to that trough. It opened up like a garage door anâ I looked inside. There was all types a machines anâ wires inside of it but there was also a comfortable lookinâ lawn chair in the middle. I pushed my hands up against the back. It sure was soft.
âOh fuck off, Phillips,â Mr. Hooper screamed like an alley cat. âBe sure and tell the old gang down in the caverns I fucking hate them.â He tapped on his June bug again anâ then hit a few more times on that Lite Brite typewriter.
I dragged my legs over the side a the trough anâ laid back in the chair. âIs this right?â
âPerfect, Country. Now lay back.â He walked up behind me anâ put this thingy that looked like a green bean strainer over my head. âItâs going to be a bit disorientating when you slip back to the earth realm, but it will get easier the more you do it.â He flipped on a switch on the side a that green bean strainer. âAre you my boy?â
âI ainât nobodyâs boy,â I tolâ him.
He laughed anâ his fat rolls jiggled near my nose. âI know that. Youâre a badass. Youâre a soldier. Youâre a hero!â He slapped me on my arm. âTell me the rules now.â
I stretched out my neck.  That chair sure was comfortable. I felt like a pig in shit. Sure was better than walkinâ around them caverns. âNumber one. Donât tear off this or my brain will be inside a lilâ girl forever.â I tapped on that June bug.
He started weezinâ away. âPerfect. What else?â
âDonât kill no priests or nothinâ like that.â
âDonât kill anyone, Country. Remember the treaty. You have to remember the treaty. If you fuck this up, The IT will get in trouble with God and then I will be sucking dicks and eating pussies for a long time.â
âDonât kill nobody,â I said.
A red light started swirlinâ around on top a that window glass TV anâ a bunch a gravy started fillinâ up inside the trough.
Mr. Hopper counted down with them fingers a his. âThree. Two. One. Good luck, Country. Letâs send Phillips back to the caverns where he belongs.  Goddamn Yankee. I think he lived in Boston when he was on Earth.â
âI donât think I ever been to no Boston. But I donât think Iâd like it.â
The top a that trough locked tight like a cigarette holder anâ the gravy completely filled it up. It dinât smother me though, anâ it dinât taste like no gravy I ever had before.
* * * * * *
I opened my eyes anâ spit out that gravy taste but nothinâ came out. The vacation ride made my big olâ brain feel drunker than Cooter Brown. Whoever the hell that was.
I looked around ta see where I was. I was in a toolshed, hiddinâ back in a corner behind a lawnmower. I scratched at it to see if was real anâ got my hand all tangled up in some spider webs. Yep, it was real, alright. I put my hand up my dress. There werenât no man parts down there. I was inside a one a them lilâ girls. I dinât wanna go up in there too far.  I dinât much like messinâ round with lilâ girls, I reckoned.
The door across that shed opened anâ I think I heard anâ bird chirpinâ. A lilâ olâ mouse scurried inta another corner.
âViolet? Are you in here?â the man hollered inta the shed. âItâs just Deacon Breshears, Deacon Prine and your pa.â
I peeked up over the side a the mower. Those barn doors into the shed opened about halfway. I was back. I was back on earth.
I heard a voice in that June bug on my ear. Country, can you hear me?
I looked out anâ saw them deacons enter the shed.
Country, itâs Hoop. Can you hear me?
I pressed on the June bug like Mr. Hooper. âI hear you,â I said. At least, I think I said. My voice sounded like a lilâ girl. âThis is weird.â
Donât worry. The machine on your ear is cloaked when youâre in the earth realm. You successfully crossed the planes. What do you see?
Them deacons started ta enter the shed. âViolet, itâs your Pa. Weâre here to help you.â
I pressed on that June bug again anâ whispered like a cotton-tailed rabbit. âIâm in a shed. Some men is cominâ in here. I think they want ta help me. What should I do?â
Mr. Hooper laughed.
Flick the switch on the side of the receiver on your ear. I need to see whatâs happening. I need to handle the situation. Remember. No fuck ups or Iâm in the caverns for a long ass time.
I turned on that lilâ switch on the side a that June bug like Mr. Hooper tolâ me.  I felt a breeze come from outside through a hole in the shed. It smelled nice like the magnolias were bloominâ on a Spring day. It smelled better than that burnt pig shit in them caverns. It smelled like home. It made me remember home. I even think I heard a bird chirpinâ outside.
Good work. I can see the door and the men. Keep looking in that direction. I need to know what we are dealing with. Remember. No killing.
I did as Mr. Hooper told me. Three shadows entered the shed. I grabbed onta the seat of the mower.
Oh shit.
âWhat, Mr. Hooper? What do you see?â I asked him.
Open your eyes. Code red, Country. They have bats and a shotgun.
He was right. As soon as them deacons anâ that pa got to the middle a that shed, one a them clicked on a light bulb with a string. Two was all chokinâ up on different bats anâ the man who wasnât in a church outfit had a shotgun. I think that one was Pa.
âWhy do they have bats anâ guns, Mr. Hooper?â I asked him, gettinâ a lilâ chilly from the hole in the shed.
Jesus, Country. They know that youâre inside the little girl. Fucking Phillips blew our cover. We should abort.
âAbort?â
You should come back. Theyâve already won. Looks like itâs back to the caverns for me. Dammit!
âI ainât goinâ back to no caverns,â I yelled out.
âViolet?â one a them men asked. âWeâre here to help you. Come on out of that corner.â
Abort, Country! Abort!
I stood up anâ brushed off that spring dress that lilâ girl had on.  I tapped on the June bug. âI ainât going back to them caverns!â
âViolet, baby. Itâs Pa.â
âWhat caverns, honey?â one a them men said to me.
I looked over next to me anâ grabbed digginâ spade. âYâall better not come back here. Iâll fuckinâ kill you, motherfuckers. I rip off them dicks a yours and eat âem up like possum pie.â
They all gasped as if they had never heard a swear before.
Country, Goddamit! Stand down!
âFuck you, Mr. Hooper. Iâm gonna win this football game,â I tolâ him. âYou ainât gotta worry about suckinâ no more dicks or eatinâ no more vaginas.â
I jumped on top a that lawn mower seat anâ pulled that spade back behind my right ear. The lilâ girlâs hair fell in front a my face. âGet outta here, you fuckinâ Yankees! Go back ta Heaven.â
Two a them choked up further on their bats. âDaniel, go back in the house. You donât need to see this.â
Pa stood there, crying like a woman. His shotgun fell onto the dirt floor.
One a them deacons stepped to me. âViolet, put down that shovel.â
The June bug started blarinâ static anâ buzzinâ in my ear but I couldnât really hear nothinâ Mr. Hooper was sayinâ to me. I turned off that switch that he had me turn on.
âIâm a gonna kill you fuckers.â I jumped at the deacon in front anâ shoved the spade right around his dick. He dropped to his knees anâ started begginâ me to stop. I shoved that thing in anâ out a his gullet like I was churninâ butter. A lot a his insides dumped onto the ground in front a him. He fell on his knees like he was startinâ to prey. He wasnât prayinâ, though. He was tryinâ to pick up his gizzards anâ put it all back inside a him.   I started stomping through all them guts like I was jumpinâ through sprinklers in the mud. I picked up a long string a them insides anâ wrapped it around his neck like I was puttinâ Christmas lights on a tree. He coughed anâ screamed anâ it smelled kinda like he mighta shit in his drawers. He started losing his breath anâ finally fell forward. I lifted up that spade anâ dug it clean through him from the other side.  When he hit the ground flat and stopped flippinâ and floppinâ, I just dug my lilâ girl hands into them ears a his anâ pulled his head off.
That second deacon came at me with his bat anâ swung away, barely missinâ my head.  Stupid Yankee. I walked on top a that one who was dead anâ shoved my lilâ girl fingers into his eyes. âYou donât fuck with my team!â I ripped around in his sockets anâ scratched his face, tearing all the skin right off. The water pouring outta his eyes tickled on my fingers anâ made me smile.  I wasnât in no cavern no more. Pa folded like a coward at a card table in the corner, squealing like a lilâ baby hog. All he could say was, âNo, Violet. Please stop.â
That second deacon came at me again. He dinât really have much of a face no more. âLord give me power!â he cried.
I jumped off a the deacon whose head I ripped off on the floor a the shed.
That one without a face was a humminâ songs about God anâ lookinâ at me like he wanted ta kill.
I ran back over by the mower anâ climbed up on top a workbench. Â Â I snatched up two hammers that were sittinâ next ta my dirty, lilâ girl feet.
The deacon charged at me. âSatan! Leave this innocent child,â he growled.
I growled at him anâ he swung that bat a his anâ missed me again âcause I jumped like a bullfrog. It was about then that it become clear that I had some type a superhero powers. I threw myself at him anâ grabbed on to that neck a his, dragginâ him down to the dirt floor.
âPlease, God. Give me power to fight the evils ofââ
He dinât say another word on a count a me smashinâ his mouth with the front a one a them hammers. I started laughinâ again as them teeth a his started jumpinâ around like popcorn on a hot stove. I got up anâ danced around him doinâ the dosey doe while he tried to grab that bat a his again. I took that other hammer anâ started usinâ that claw side to hack away at his throat.  He was chokinâ anâ it sounded kinda like he was gurglinâ with bakinâ soda. I smacked that hammer inta the bottom of that chin a his and them danced back âround behind his head anâ ripped that jaw a his clean off a his head.
I heard Pa still crying. If he knew what was good for him, he would just count the seconds a life that he had left anâ enjoy the show.
I was done with the second deacon, so I dug both them hammers inta both sides a his forehead.  I wasnât countinâ but I musta smashed into that a his skull ten times. He tried to shake his head but he just dragged them claws further and further inta his skull. He picked up his jaw anâ his teeth anâ junk anâ then he tried his darndest to speak. I grabbed onta that tongue a his that was danglinâ like a dick on sex night, stepped on what was left a his throat anâ pulled it right out. I threw it over at Pa, lettinâ him know that he was next.
More static came through on the June bug.
Country! Goddamit! Abort! Do not engage. Turn your camera back on!
âI ainât goinâ back to them caverns, Mr. Hooper.â That second Yankee Deacon started to sputter out like truck runninâ outta gas so I stood up over him anâ started running piss out my new girl parts all that chest a his. âFuck you, deacon. There ainât no God to help you now. You go anâ tell THAT to Mr. Phillips! I never did like no cheaters.â
He werenât talkinâ no more so instead a goinâ on about the Devil anâ whatnot, I pulled them hammers outta his head. The second hammer was buried pretty deep but I jimmied it loose. I looked Pa straight in the face as I smashed both claws down next between them eyes a his.  With all my lilâ girl superhero power might, I cracked that head a his open like the Grand Canyon. His eyes busted outta them sockets and landed next ta that pile a teeth anâ that jaw a his. The hammers flew outta my hands to both sides a that shed anâ I dug my face into the bowl I made outta his head. I had tasted varmint brain before, but I never did try human brain until that day. I hadnât eaten nothinâ all those years in the caverns anâ it werenât as good as I âmember steak beinâ but it was delicious on that day.
Country, what they fuck is going on up there? I canât lock your location. I need to bring you back, now. You donât want to be trapped up there.
I sniffed around like a coon hound to let Pa know that I was huntinâ. He was curled up in the corner with that shotgun a his across his lap.
âWhy are you crying, Pa?â I asked him and wiped some of them brains off a my face. All sorts a goo a muck dripped down the front a that dress a mine. That head a that first deacon was between us. I picked it up by the hair anâ rolled it like a bowling ball over to Pa.
âPlease, Violet,â he whimpered anâ tried to hide behind them hands a his. âPlease, Lord. Please, Lord. Save my Violet.â
More static came through that June bug but I couldnât hear no Mr. Hooper.
I stubbed my toe into one a them circular saw tables on my way to go play with Pa anâ a blade fell near that lilâ girl foot a mine.
Pa put his hands together like he was a prayinâ. âPlease, God. Please, God. Please dispel this demon from my sweet Violet.â
I bent over in that lilâ girl dress anâ picked up that saw blade. One a them edges cut inta my finger. I licked my lilâ girl blood anâ spit it at Pa. He was still crying. It made me laugh.
Country, turn your camera back on!
Before I knew it, I was stadinâ over Pa. He stopped prayinâ anâ looked up at me. âViolet.  Itâs Pa. Please come back to me.â
I raised up that saw blade anâ buried it inta that spot between the lilâ girlâs devil finger and ring finger. Mr. Hooper was right. It felt worse than getting that hand a hers stuck in a wood chipper.  I pressed it down as far as it would go, crackinâ anâ breaking bones in that top a that lilâ girl hand. Then, when I finally buried it all the way down to my lilâ wrist, I bent them lilâ legs anâ started shittinâ on Paâs coveralls.
Pa stopped crying anâ I grabbed his hand. âTell that Yankee Phillips, that the South will rise again!â
I pulled Paâs arm out anâ right as he started shrieking, I used my new saw hand to chop of that arm a his clean off. I kept shittinâ as I stood on top a him.   He laid down, taking in his own dirty defeat.  Then, I just beat his face in with his own arm. That wasnât killinâ him, so I took to the saw hand. I just started pullinâ him apart like a dog with a ragdoll. Arms. Then, legs. Then dick. Then balls. He was chokinâ on vomit anâ blood anâ whatever ever else so I helped him out anâ shoved his fingers from that dead arm inta his mouth.
Still laughinâ anâ shittinâ, I kinda just started cutting holes in his face. After I got tired a that, I totally sawed his head right down the dead center. Both sides fell onta them coward shoulders a his. There was blood goinâ everywhere in the shed like someone had shot a BB gun inta the side of a swimminâ pool. I dug inta his brain anâ ate away. My second non-vermin brain was better than the first one. Tasted every bit as good as squirrel. I think.
More static came through on that June bug.
Iâve got you. Youâre coming back, Country, you stupid fucking redneck.
* * * * * *
I opened my real eyes anâ the white trough started draining water like a bathtub. The cigarette case lid opened up, just like it closed.
Mr. Hooper ran over anâ smacked the side of the trough. âWhat in the fuck did you do?â
I shook the vacation sweatinâ outta my head anâ grabbed on to the side a that trough. âMaybe Iâm a lilâ bit more rock n roll than you was thinkinâ.â
He threw them hands a his up anâ down like he was wavinâ down a fire in barn. âWhat the fuck does that mean?â
I pulled man body up from the lawn chair anâ threw my leg over the side of the trough. âWell, you said that I was a âlittle bit country,â anâ I said I was âa little bit rock n roll.ââ
âIs that a joke? Is that a fucking joke?â he cursed. âHow do you even fucking remember that?â
âI dunno,â I tolâ him. âI was just playinâ the sport like you tolâ me to.â
He stomped over to that Lite Brite typewriter anâ punched a few a them keys. âJesus, Country. I told you not to kill anyone. What in the fuck was that? Are you so fucking stupid that you took the sports reference literally?â He tapped on that June bug in his ear. He waited a bit. He pushed some more buttons. Then he looked back at me. âYou killed two of Godâs servants. An innocent man.  The girl is dead for sure. You shoved a fucking saw blade straight through her hand, down to her wrist. Itâs too late to send in a clean-up crew. That tool shed is swarming with angels.â
âThey was tryinâ to get me,â I tolâ him.
He threw a big bunch a papers across the room at me. âYou know that this means I have to go back down to the caverns, right? Looks like itâs thousands of years of me sucking The ITâs dick and pussy again. Fuck!â
âI dinât mean to get you in no trouble.â
His face went white like he just saw a General Leeâs ghost. He lifted that fat olâ finger a his anâ put it to his lips. He wanted me to shut up.
I grabbed at the water bottle. It was full again.
He tapped at that June bug on his ear. âHello, Phillips.â
I wasnât up there for very long but I knew that breeze sure felt good. I tickled that June bug in my ear on the belly. The arms pumped in an out like water pump at a well. Maybe that June bug dinât have to stay on my ear, after all.
Mr. Hooper fell back in that seat a his anâ laid back on it like it was a rockinâ chair on a porch. His belly stuck out anâ popped one a them buttons on that shirt a his. He dinât even know. âYes, Phillips. Iâm quite aware of what happened.â
He let out a big gasp anâ listened to his June bug. Â I drank some more water.
âYes, Phillips, I get it. Well, it was your job to process him. Iâm just supposed to handle him.â
I flipped on that switch on the side a my June bug anâ looked at Mr. Hooper and then at the glass TV on top a that desk a his. It was a TV camera, I reckoned.
âOf course I know that Iâm the one who took the bet,â he started yammerinâ on again. âI know he wasnât ready, you scumbag. You took advantage of me. Phillips? Phillips? Phillips?â Anâ then I saw him tickle the belly on that June bug in his ear anâ flip the switch up anâ down three times. The bugâs legs came off from âround his ear anâ he threw it across the room.
I was right.
It did come off.
I started walkinâ over to where he threw it to get it for him.
When I started bendinâ over, he started screaminâ.
âYou fucking idiot. Donât bother with that. I wonât need that where Iâm going.â
When I touched his June bug, it crawled away so I dinât bother with it no more. âWhere are you goinâ? Donât we have more games to play?â
âUnfortunately for me, Iâm going back to the caverns for Lord only know how long,â he started cryinâ. âPhillips is going to be your new handler.â
âMr. Hooper, I dinât mean no harm,â I tolâ him. âI was just doinâ what felt right.â
He walked over to me anâ put his hand on my shoulder. âI get it, Country.  You didnât know. It was my mistake. I should never have explained the job to you the way I did. Moreso, I should never have sent you on a mission without any training.â
Then, outta nowhere. A bunch a red sirens started flashinâ all around the room. They werenât there before, I donât think.
âWhat the hell now?â Mr. Hooper yelled as he wiped all them tears off a his fat face. He started runninâ after the June bug but it was too fast for him. âHelp me, Country. I need to get this.â
I ran over by him anâ chased that June bug across that floor, up anâ down the walls until we finally cornered it by the trough.
âDonât break it, Country. I need it.â
I put my hands down anâ cupped âem together. That June bug, with all his hundreds a legs crawled right inta my fingers like a cradle. I slowly got up anâ put out my hands. I spose it was the least I could do for poor olâ Mr. Hooper.
He plucked that lilâ fella up my a few of its legs anâ put it over his ear. He tapped on the side. âPhillips? What now?â
âCode Red five, five, niner? Not possible.â He walked back to that Lite Brite typewriter anâ pushed a few buttons. Some stuff happened on that window glass TV. âNot gonna happen, Phillips.â  He turned a dial on the side a the desk.  âI understand that weâre short-staffed. He just killed four people. There is no way Iâm going to send him up again.â
He put those hands a his and pushed them downward. âIâll ask him.â
I took a drink a that water bottle. âWhat does all these lights mean, Mr. Hooper?â
He tapped the June bug. âWe have a situation. A big situation. A Code Red five, five, niner, to be exact.â
âI donât know what all that means,â I confessed.
âIt means that God and his team⌠I mean associates⌠are about to take down one of our most precious hosts. They are apparently angry about what happened earlier.â
âYou mean with me?â
âYes, Country. With you.â
âWell?â I asked him. âWhat can we do?â
âPhillips wants to send you back into this host to fight off Godâs associates. I told him Iâd ask you.â
I tickled that June bug on my ear. It was my chance. If Mr. Hooper was goinâ back to the caverns, then so was I. I sure didnât have a whole lotta interest in suckinâ no ITâs dick. âIâll do it. I swear I wonât kill nobody this time.â
He let outta giant gasp a air. âMaybe we donât have to go back to the caverns. Get in the pod and prepare for transfer.â
He meant that trough. I did as I was told.
He tapped on his June bug. âPhillips. Weâll do it. You have to promise me, though that if we do succeed in protecting the asset that you will stand up for me.â
Mr. Hopper snapped his finger at the trough anâ then started tappinâ away at that Lite Brite typewriter. âGet in,â he tolâ me.
âThank you, Phillips,â he said. âI know we havenât fixed this situation yet, but, thank you.â He tapped on his June bug anâ walked over next to me. âThey are going to let us do it, Country. Sweet, Jesus.â
âSweet Jesus,â I said, too.
He bent down about the same time that lawn chair started dropping into that trough. The gravy started coming up around me again. âWhat are the rules, Country? Please listen to me this time.â
âNo killinâ no one.â
âAnd?â he tapped on my June bug.
âAnd donât take this off or turn her off.â
He put up his hand like he was saluting me. âThank you for serving the IT, soldier.â
I saluted him back. Figured it was the right thing to do.
The cigarette case lid started ta fold over me anâ the gravy filled up the trough. There was no way that I was goinâ back to them caverns ever again.
* * * * * *
I opened my eyes.
I was in bed. I reached down tween my legs like I had before. There was no man parts there but there sure was blood all over that lilâ girlâs legs.
I looked at my fingers. They were lilâ girl fingers.
There was a song playinâ on a record player in the room. I recognized it.
That song was called, âA Little Bit Country, A Little Bit Rock N Roll.â
I always liked that song. I think that it was my favorite song.
A dirty olâ fan was blowinâ cold air at me from a nightstand. I heard crickets a chirpinâ outside the window.
I tapped on the June bug. âMr. Hooper, can you hear me.â
Yes. Now turn on the camera.
I got up outta that bed anâ looked out the window. I saw a nice farm outside and a rusty olâ swing set. I knew that swing set. Was it mine? I took a sip of a glass a water next to that fan. Two hound dogs ran by chasinâ a squirrel. All them years in the cavern made me forget how much I loved beinâ alive.
I wanted to be alive again.
âI donâ think that I am gonna turn on that camera, Mr. Hooper,â I whispered.
What are you talking about, Country? Turn on the camera. We have to protect the assets. We had a deal!
I started rubbinâ on the June bug just like Mr. Hooper had before. âNo, we dinât have no deal. You had a deal with Mr. Phillips anâ that IT.â
Goddamn you, Country. You canât do this to me. You signed a contract.
âThatâs where youâre wrong. I never signed nothinâ anâ nothinâ has been processed. You said it yourself.â I clicked the switch on the June bug up anâ down three times anâ it started cominâ loose from my ear. âI wanna be alive again, Mr. Hooper. I donât ever wanna go back ta them caverns.â
Donât do this, Country! You canât do this to me!Â
The June Bug jumped off a my ear onta the floor anâ I dinât hear nothinâ in my ear no more. I was a free man. Free to be back on the earth, listeninâ to my favorite song anâ feelinâ the breeze from a hot summer night.
I got outta the bed anâ started stomping away at the June bug with my bare foot to the beat a that song by Donnie anâ Marie that I remembered lovinâ so much. It clicked anâ fizzed anâ sparked.  Finally, it was all outta juice.
I walked across my new room anâ picked up a lilâ rag doll. I took it back in bed with me. It wasnât as good as feelinâ a woman next to me in bed but it was better than hell. It was better than them caverns anâ it was better than takinâ orders from fat, olâ Mr. Hooper.
Just before I started ta fall asleep in my new life, my great new life, the door to the bedroom creaked open anâ a lilâ bit a light shined in from the hall. A man came into the room anâ made his way over that new bed next to me.
He sat down.
It was me.
Recognize yourself, Deacon Futch?
I started blinkinâ anâ huffinâ. I tried talkinâ back to Mr. Hooperâs voice in my head but no words were cominâ out that lilâ girlâs mouth. âHow can you talk to me?â I asked him in my mind.
Oh, come on, Johnny. Do you really think that Hell is in the business of giving people promotions and sending them to earth for vacation? Ha!Â
âI donâ understand, sir. Please bring me back now!â  I kept yellinâ but nothinâ was cominâ out.
The man, me, started runninâ his wet hands through that lilâ girl hair a mine with one a his hands anâ then he started rubbinâ up inside my bloody girl parts.
There is no back. There are no agents. There are no handlers. There is no Phillips. Our job is to punish people for their sins. It is Hell, after all.
Then, it all came back to me as quick as momma bird bringinâ food back to her nest.
I was Deacon Johnny Futch.
I had my way with the lilâ girls a my flock. I raped them. I beat them. I tolâ them that I could rid their bodies of the Devilâs evil. The lilâ girl I was inside a⌠well, I killed her. Her Ma and Pa tolâ me that she had the devil in her on a counta she was bleeding outta her body anâ carryinâ on.
I buried her lilâ body under that swing set outside a that window.
I canât really say it was a pleasure getting to know you.
And then, just as my head went quiet again, the other me pushed my lilâ girl head inta that pillow on that bed. The lilâ girl tried to scream. I tried to scream. Nobody heard nothinâ. A belt unbuckled for the first time in what would be a zillion more. Forever. I felt my own penis go inside that lilâ girl as those wet, bloody hands wrapped around that lilâ girl throat.
Welcome to your eternity, Deacon Futch.
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