
07 Nov A Little Bit Country
βA Little Bit Countryβ
Written by Drew Stepek Edited by Craig Groshek Thumbnail Art by Craig Groshek Narrated by N/ACopyright Statement: Unless explicitly stated, all stories published on CreepypastaStories.com are the property of (and under copyright to) their respective authors, and may not be narrated or performed, adapted to film, television or audio mediums, republished in a print or electronic book, reposted on any other website, blog, or online platform, or otherwise monetized without the express written consent of its author(s).
π§ Available Audio Adaptations: None Available
β° ESTIMATED READING TIME β 32 minutes
I walked into that office anβ wiped some dirt anβ sweat off a my head with my arm.Β The office was as white as a laundry mat with one desk anβ two chairs in front of it.Β A fat man in glasses with a pencil behind his ear stood up anβ started clapping his flabby olβ hands.Β He was sweatinβ anβ his fat face was all red.Β I was sweatinβ, too so I dinβt pay it no bother.Β He had long hair pulled back in a ponytail like a girl anβ one a them funny beards.Β I think people called βem Van Dykes.
βThere he is,β he shouted βcross that room.
I stopped dead in my tracks.Β It was the first voice I had heard sinceβ¦ I canβt even remember nothinβ.Β Since Iβd been there.Β Thatβs for damn sure.
βWell?β the fat man badgered me.Β βAre you going to close the fucking door and come in?Β Were you born in a barn?β
I looked back outside the office as I gripped on to that door handle.Β There was nothinβ but black behind me.Β I sniffed my nose anβ cracked my olβ neck.
βJesus Christ, son,β he hollered.Β βWe have a lot to get to.β
I jiggled at the handle a bit anβ then closed it, as I was told.Β βWhere am I?β I asked him.
βCome on over here and take a seat.βΒ He pointed at one of them chairs in front a his desk.Β βWe have a lot to get through before I can send you out.β
I shuffled my dirty, bare feet over toward him.Β βSend me out where?β I asked him.Β βAm I goinβ somewhere?β
He pointed at the chair on the left in front a his desk.Β βYouβve been brought up to the big leagues, son.Β Didnβt anyone brief you?βΒ He picked up his phone anβ pushed a flashinβ button.Β βPhillips!β he howled.Β βWhat the fuck is going on?βΒ He waited a sec anβ then rolled them bulgy eyes a his.Β βDidnβt anyone educate numberββ Β He shuffled his hands βround the stacks a papers on his desk anβ pulled out a folder.Β He opened it anβ dragged his finger down that page.Β βNumber two, two, five, dash, six, one, six, two, three, two, two, eight, five, nine, seven, two, three, five, one, niner?Β I got him in my office now looking at me like he doesnβt know where he is.βΒ He covered that phone with his hand.Β βFucking processing.Β Heads are gonna roll, thatβs for sure.βΒ He pointed to that left seat again.Β βWhy donβt you take a seat while I get your paperwork all situated.β
βIβm just fine standinβ right here,β I tolβ him.
He waved me away like a bumblebee and took his hand off a that phone.Β βWhat do you mean he hasnβt been processed yet?Β Did he at least get his orientation?βΒ He covered up that phone again anβ asked, βDid you have your orientation yet?β
I dinβt remember getting no orientation, so I said, βI donβt know.β
He slapped himself on the forehead.Β βOkay, Phillips.Β He donβt know.Β Ask Thompson what I should do.βΒ He pointed pulled the phone away from his ear anβ pointed to it.Β βHold music.Β Itβs just the worst.βΒ He rocked back in that chair a his anβ put his arms behind his fat olβ head.Β His armpits were drenched like he just got sprayed with a garden hose.Β He pulled that phone back to his ear anβ listened.Β He let out a big gust of wind anβ pulled out that pencil from behind his ear.Β He started writing stuff on that folder.Β βOkay,β he said.Β βOkay.Β Wait.Β What?βΒ He snapped the pencil in half.Β βWhat do you mean I have to do it?Β Iβm his handler.Β He should already be prepped and ready to go.Β Goddammit, Phillips!Β Heβs supposed to go out today.βΒ He started beatinβ that phone against his head.Β Not hard like.Β I think he was makinβ a point.Β βDo you really expect me to believe that the processing department is short-staffed?Β Weβre in fucking Hell.Β There are zillions of people down here.βΒ He waited a second anβ listened to Phillips.Β βOh, donβt worry, The IT will hear about this.βΒ He put his hand over that phone anβ looked at me.Β βCan you believe this guy?βΒ Then, he pulled it right back to that face a his.Β βFuck me?Β Fuck you, Phillips.βΒ He slammed that phone back onto its butt.Β He put his hands over his sweaty, lady haircut anβ started laughing like a mental patient.
βExcuse me, mister?β I tried to get his attention.Β βWhat in the heck am I doinβ here?β
He peaked out behind them hands anβ took a deep breath.Β Then, he opened up that folder.Β βCome on over here and take a seat.βΒ He pointed at that left chair.
I limped on over.Β Seemed like I had been walkinβ forever anβ my legs hurt.Β I pulled that chair out from his desk.Β βI havenβt sat down in a long time, mister.β
He picked up some glasses anβ went back to the folder.Β βHmmmm.Β Itβs not like sitting is something you have to learn how to do.βΒ He looked up at me.Β βJust jokes, son.βΒ Β Then, he looked back down at that there folder again.Β βYep! Β Looks like youβve been walking for a long time.βΒ He took them glasses off.Β βHow long do you think youβve been down there?β
I brushed off the seat on that chair.Β βI donβt know.Β Seems like forever.β
He smiled at me.Β βYou donβt need to tell me.Β Iβve been there.Β Thing is that there is no time in Hell.Β Itβs justβ¦ here.β
I bent down ta take that seat anβ then fell right onto my ass.Β That chair wasnβt even there at all.
He shot outta his seat anβ shouted, βBAM!Β That never gets old.β
βYou tryinβ to hoodwink me, mister?βΒ I looked behind me ta see who pulled it away before I tried ta sit in it.Β No one was there.Β The chair wasnβt even there no more.
He started screaming anβ laughing anβ pounding his fists on the desk.Β βSo classic.Β So classic.β
I rubbed on my legs anβ my butt.Β They sure did hurt.Β βWhere did that chair go?Β Why in the hell would you yβall do that to me?β
He stopped laughing for a second anβ then looked behind him like I wasnβt talkinβ to him at all.Β Then, he turned back to me anβ looked at me like he didnβt know whether to check his watch or scratch his ass.Β βYβall?βΒ He turned around again.Β βIβm the only one here.βΒ He took his seat anβ then went back to that folder.Β βOh.Β Here we go.βΒ He thumped on that folder with his finger.Β βYouβre from the American South.Β Duh.β
I got back to my feet anβ brushed off the backs a my legs.Β βI guess so.Β Donβt βmember much.β
He snapped his fingers anβ that chair came right back up behind me like some kind a magic trick.Β βNo one remembers much about being up there.βΒ He pointed at that white ceiling.Β βTake your seat, please, son.β
I stepped up toward him.Β βMister.Β I got a mind toββ
βJust sit down.Β I got my laugh for the day.β
I grabbed the chair by its arms anβ lowered myself onto the seat.Β It dinβt get swallered up into thin air this time βround.
He threw the folder back on the desk.Β βWell, you donβt have a name on here other than number two, two, five, dash, six, one, six, two, three, two, two, eight, five, nine, seven, two, three, five, one, nine.β
I was listeninβ to him best I could but I was thinkinβ more about how good it felt good ta sit down.Β Seemed like I had really been walkinβ βround in them hot, olβ caverns forever.Β βYouβre the first person I spoke to since I been here.β
He looked at me like I was a squirrel in rat trap anβ pointed a new pencil at me.Β βIβm gonna call you Country.β
I started liking at my dry hands with my tongue.Β βWhy you wanna call me that?β
He started making fun a the way I talked.Β βWell, youβre a lilβ bit countryβ¦ beinβ a southern gentleman anβ all.Β Besides, I donβt want to have to read off that long number every time I want to call you something.β
βI think I want to go back to them caverns now, mister,β I tolβ him.
He put his elbows down on the desk anβ looked at me straight.Β βNo, I donβt think you do.β
My hands were covered in callouses like I got chicken pox from a baseball mitt.Β I tried to lick at them, best I could.Β βAnd why is that?β
βJesus,β he yelled and then pushed me some lotion on the corner of his desk.Β βLicking your hands is only going to make them worse.β
I squirted a lilβ bit of lotion out of the jar anβ then smelled it.Β βThis ainβt hot sauce or nothinβ, is it?β
βHot sauce?Β Hilarious.βΒ He grabbed the bottle and squeezed a lilβ bit onto his hands anβ then lathered βem up.Β βThat is a good idea, though.Β I need to remember that one.βΒ He stood up.Β βYou want something to drink, Country?β
βBetter not be no hot sauce,β I warned him.
He walked over to a water cooler in the corner that wasnβt there a second before.Β βWhat is your obsession with hot sauce?β He poured out some water into a lilβ cup anβ brought it back to me.
I grabbed the cup anβ sucked it down.Β I couldnβt even remember the last time that I had water.Β I handed it back to him.Β βCan I have me a lilβ more?β
He chuckled.Β βYou bet, Country.βΒ He walked back to the water cooler anβ refilled that cup.Β βYou know.Β Youβre real lucky.Β In all my time of working as a handler down here, Iβve never seen anyone make it to agent status so quickly.Β The IT must have seen something special in you.β
βThe IT?β I asked.
βYeah.Β The IT.Β Trust me.βΒ He mosied back to me with my second cup a water.Β βIβm just a lowly handler and I had to suck The ITβs dick and eat The ITβs pussy for what seemed like forever.β
βYou ainβt making no sense.βΒ I took the cup anβ licked at the rim like a bullfrog catchinβ a fly before I drank it down.Β It was the best darn water I ever did have.
βThe IT is what people up there call the Devil,β he giggled.Β βSatan?Β Lord of the Underworld?Β Mephistopheles?β
βLet me get this straight, mister.Β The Devil is some kind a lady?β
βDidnβt you just hear me say that it had a dick, Country?Β Keep up.Β You ever heard of a lady with a dick?β
I crunched up the paper cup over my head anβ tried my damnedest to squeeze every darn drop of water out of it.Β βYou also said that The IT had a vagina.β
βThe IT has both,β he started yappinβ.Β βI donβt know what the fuck I was sucking and eating.Β You donβt ask The IT questions.Β The bottom line is that I did my time and I got this job.Β Now, as of today, I work for you.β
βWell, I never heard βbout nothinβ like that about dicks anβ vaginas anβ all. I also never even met this IT thing.βΒ I unfolded the cup anβ put it down on his desk.Β I wanted more water but I didβt want to seem like I was given him no disrespect.Β βWhat are we gonna be doinβ?Β Shovelinβ pig shit or somethinβ?
He sat down behind his desk and started gigglinβ.Β βNo, Country.Β We wonβt be shoveling pig shit.βΒ He pulled open a drawer behind that desk a his anβ then dropped a bunch a books anβ folders in front a me.Β βAs of today, you are an agent.Β You will be sent out into the field to manipulate the forces of Heaven.Β Your purposeβ¦ our purposeβ¦ it to breakdown the followers of God one at a time.β
βDo what now?βΒ I picked up one a them books anβ flipped through the pages.
He smirked anβ put out his hand to shake mine.Β βNameβs Sonny Hooper.Β You can call me Hoop.Β I will be your coach and your handler.β
I looked up from that book, licked my hand anβ shook his.
βYou do know how to read, donβt you?β he asked me.
* * * * * *
βI assume you slept well,β Mr. Hooper asked me.Β He walked over anβ handed me a big olβ bottle a water.
I pulled some crust off the inside a my nose anβ sucked that water down.Β It refilled by itself. Β βWell, Iβll be.βΒ I figured it was some kind a magic or somethinβ.Β βIt sure was nice to sleep in a bed but that fan wasnβt really workinβ real well.β
βCountry!β he dug them flabby hands a his into a bag a potato chips.Β βYouβre in Hell!Β Do you know how hard it is to get fans down here at all?βΒ He waved me over to a new door that appeared behind his desk, over by that water cooler.
I followed him.Β βI remember one summer.Β All them hardware stores in my town were outta fans.β
βThat must have been like Hell.Β It said in your file that youβre from Tupelo, Mississippi.Β The home of The King.β
Like he just turned on a lightbulb in a closet, I βmembered the king.Β I βmembered Elvis.Β I liked music.
He put out his hand anβ let me enter that new room before him.
I looked inside.Β It was all white with some kind a computer doohickey anβ some other type of trough that looked to be hooked up to the computer doohickey.Β βThere ainβt no tricks in here is there?Β Like that chair?β
He put up his arms and the flab jiggled in his short-sleeved shirt.Β βWe donβt have time for tricks, Country.β
I walked into that room.
He pointed to the computer doohickey.Β βThat is the machine that will take you back to the earth realm.β
I scuffled over to the trough anβ bent down to smell it.Β It wasnβt a trough like the tin ones I used to fill on my daddyβs farm.Β At least I dinβt think so.Β βIβm gettinβ out?βΒ I licked at them hands a mine.Β βI get to leave?β
He put his hand over his face.Β βOh, God, no.Β You just get to go on aβ¦ hmmmβ¦ vacation.βΒ He walked over ta that computer doohickey anβ pushed a coupla buttons on a typewriter that light up like a Lite Brite toy.Β βDid you read any of the books or assignments that I gave you yesterday?β
I walked over to him anβ looked at the window glass TV screen on top a that computer doohickey.Β βIt was too dark ta read.βΒ I touched that window screen.
He swatted my hand away like it was a fly on a hot dog.Β βDonβt touch that, Country.Β Are you telling me that you donβt know how this works?β
I was gettinβ a lilβ tired a his tone.Β βI said it was dark.β
He smacked himself on the head.Β βFuck, thatβs right.Β You canβt read.β
βI can read,β I yelled at him.Β βI think.β
βLook.Β Itβs not that hard.Β Iβve sent several agents into the field without understanding the ins and outs of the equipment.βΒ He handed me a lilβ June bug lookinβ thing.Β βPut this over your ear.β
I turned that critter over andβ hundreds anβ thousands a legs jiggled around.Β I dinβt much like that bug.Β βItβs not gonna bite me, is it?β
βBite you?Β No! Β Itβs an earpiece so I can communicate with you.βΒ He pointed at a microphone cominβ outta that Lite Brite typewriter in front a the computer doohickey.Β βI talk into that and you hear me in your ear.Β I will be watching you from this.βΒ He pointed at that window glass TV.Β βThat way I can monitor what youβre doing.Β We canβt have you breaking any of the treaty agreements with the guys upstairs.βΒ He pointed to that ceiling.
I put the bug in my ear. It clamped over the top anβ the bottom.Β I feft all thousands a them legs prick into my skin.Β βYou mean God?β
βGod. Β Jesus.Β Angels and shit.Β The other team.Β Let me make this simple.βΒ He pointed to that white trough.Β βYou will be in here.βΒ Then, he walked over to that computer doohickey.Β βI will be watching you from here.Β You will be doing what I say and playing for our team.Β Itβs like football.β
βI like football, I think.βΒ I scratched at my ear.Β That June bug was locked on there pretty tight.Β It was makinβ me wanna sneeze for some reason.Β βWhat position am I playinβ?β
βItβs not literally football.Β You will be taking over the body of a little girl who is presumed possessed.Β The device in your ear will control your crossing between the realms.βΒ He tapped on that June bug thing.
I looked at that window glass TV on top a that computer doohickey.Β It was seeing everything that I was seeinβ.Β I waved my hand in front a my face.Β βHuh?β
βThis machine,β he waved his hand around the room.Β βItβs connected to Hellβs core.Β It allows us to communicate with the earth realm through little girls.β
I dinβt much understand what he was sayinβ so I just acted like I did anβ nodded my head.Β βWhy lilβ girls?β
βThey are the easiest to occupy.Β For some reason, everyone thinks that when a little girl is sad or starting her period that sheβs possessed.Β So, we breach their consciousness when they are easily inhabitable.Β I could tell you a million stories of all the times that the other team has tried to shut down our operation because we figured that out.Β Thatβs why there is a treaty in place.Β We can scare the hell out of anyone we want but we canβt kill anyone from their team.Β Itβs become a game of influence. Β We used to be able to take down whoever we wanted.Β But, the IT has kind of a weird relationship with the other team.Β Remember that.Β Our job is to outwit them and show the rest of the earth realm the persuasion of The IT.β
I looked at Mr. Hooper and then at the TV screen.Β βRemember what?β
βJesus, Country!βΒ He put one of them hands a his on the microphone anβ pushed a coupla buttons on that Lite Brite typewriter.Β βPhillips!βΒ He turned around to look at me and said, βJust a second.βΒ He turned back to that computer doohickey.Β I saw the back of his head in that glass window TV.Β βThis guy isnβt ready.βΒ He put his hand over that June bug in his ear.Β βI know that weβre short-staffed, asshole.Β I think we should send him back to the caverns.Β He doesnβt even want to do this.β
I walked over anβ tapped him on the shoulder.Β βMr. Hooper.β
βHoop! Call me Hoop!βΒ He shushed me like we was in a church.Β βNot you, Phillips.Β I know you know my name.Β Heβs talking to me.β
The June bug in my ear started to itch some more.Β βHooper, I donβt wanna go back to them caverns.Β What do I gotta do?β
He put up his finger again.Β βWait, Phillips.Β It looks like he doesnβt want to go back to the caverns.β
I shook my head no anβ talked into my June bug.Β βI donβt wanna go back to them caverns, Mr. Phillips.β
βYou heard it from him.Β Can we send him up to show you that heβs ready?Β Yes.Β Okay. Β Of course, Iβll get him to sign the paperwork.βΒ Mr. Hooper stuck up his thumb.Β βI think weβre in business.βΒ He walked over to the trough anβ flipped some doodad.Β βOh, fuck you, Phillips.βΒ He smirked anβ winked at me.Β βYou have a better chance of going back to the caverns than my boy Country.βΒ He waited a second.Β βOh, yeah.Β You wanna make a wager?Β Youβre on.βΒ He waited another second.Β βToolshed?Β Are you fucking kidding me?Β Sheβs in a fucking toolshed?Β This hick will be a rockstar in a toolshed. Β If Country fucks this up, Iβll do a thousand years in the caverns.Β If he does things right, you go back to the caverns.Β Later, dipshit.βΒ He put his hand over his June bug like he was hanginβ up a telephone.
βDo I gotta go back?β Β I took another drink from my water.Β Sure did taste good.
Mr. Hooper grabbed a stack a papers that was sitting next to the computer doohickey.Β He handed it to me.Β βYou have to sign this.Β Now.β
I looked at the pages but couldnβt read nothinβ.Β βWhat does it say?β
βThatβs right, you canβt read.βΒ He grabbed them papers back.
βI can read.Β I think.β
He pointed to the first page.Β βThis says that you are enlisted in service of the underworld and that you pledge yourself to The IT.βΒ He went to the next page.Β βThis says that you will abide by the rules of the treaty.Β Blah, blah, blah.Β Remember.Β Donβt kill any priests, parents, good Christian people.Β We donβt kill.Β Our mission is to influence.βΒ He flipped through more a them pages.Β βThis is the treaty.βΒ He flipped through what seemed like a coupla hundred pages anβ finally he got to that final page.Β βThis says that you are choosing not to walk the caverns anymore.Β And finally, this says that you wonβt try to escape once youβre in the earth realm.β
βEscape?β
βYeah, man.Β If you rip this off,β he rubbed on the June bug in my ear,Β βwhen youβre in the earth realm, youβre trapped there.β
I took a sip a that water.Β βSo, Iβd be free?β
βNo.Β Youβre not going there as yourself.Β Only your soulβ¦ hmmmmβ¦ your brain is going there.Β You will be trapped in the body of one of your hosts.Β Sure, youβll feel all the same pain that your host feels and youβll be able to smell the air and taste the food and all that good shit, but you wonβt be there.Β Imagine being in a jail where you canβt talk to anyone you see.β
βThat sure does sound better than them caverns,β I tolβ him.
βOf course it does.βΒ He flicked his fat olβ finger on that page.Β βOnce you sign this, youβll never see the caverns again.Β I promise.Β You will be able to drink all the water you want.Β Youβll have a bed and a room every night.Β If you help me win this bet, shit, Iβll get you a working fan and some lights in your room.βΒ He handed me back them papers anβ a pen.Β βPlease help me out, Country.Β In case you didnβt hear, I just made a bet with that pederast Phillips.Β Man, do I hate that guy.Β Heβs been trying to steal my job for years.β
I looked at them papers anβ grabbed that pen.Β βSo, my brain wonβt be here anymore?β
He turned back to the computer doohickey. βNo, your little brain wonβt be in Hell anymore.β
βI donβt much like the way youβre talkinβ to me again, Mr. Hooper.β
βFine,β he said as he punched away on that Lite Brite typewriter.Β βBig brain.Β You have a huge fucking brain.β
I started to sign them papers anβ then stopped.Β βWait, whatβs my name?β
He didnβt turn around.Β βJust sign the contract βCountry.βΒ If you canβt spell that, just put an βX.βΒ Iβll send it over to Phillips immediately and heβll process βtwo, two, five, dash, six, one, six, two, three, two, two, eight, five, nine, seven, two, three, five, one, nine.ββ
I scratch an βXβ on that last page.
Mr. Hopper snatched them papers back from me anβ fed them inta his computer doohickey.Β βThis should do the trick.Β Thing is that you need to follow the rules when youβre up there because weβre sending you out as an unprocessed agent.Β We are taking a chance on you because I believe in you.βΒ He waited a minute.Β I took a gulp a water.
βDid you get the contract, Phillips?βΒ He snapped his fingers at me anβ pointed toward the trough.Β Then, he whispered at me, βGet in.β
I walked over to that trough.Β It opened up like a garage door anβ I looked inside.Β There was all types a machines anβ wires inside of it but there was also a comfortable lookinβ lawn chair in the middle.Β I pushed my hands up against the back.Β It sure was soft.
βOh fuck off, Phillips,β Mr. Hooper screamed like an alley cat.Β βBe sure and tell the old gang down in the caverns I fucking hate them.βΒ He tapped on his June bug again anβ then hit a few more times on that Lite Brite typewriter.
I dragged my legs over the side a the trough anβ laid back in the chair.Β βIs this right?β
βPerfect, Country.Β Now lay back.βΒ He walked up behind me anβ put this thingy that looked like a green bean strainer over my head.Β βItβs going to be a bit disorientating when you slip back to the earth realm, but it will get easier the more you do it.βΒ He flipped on a switch on the side a that green bean strainer.Β βAre you my boy?β
βI ainβt nobodyβs boy,β I tolβ him.
He laughed anβ his fat rolls jiggled near my nose.Β βI know that.Β Youβre a badass.Β Youβre a soldier.Β Youβre a hero!βΒ He slapped me on my arm.Β βTell me the rules now.β
I stretched out my neck. Β That chair sure was comfortable.Β I felt like a pig in shit.Β Sure was better than walkinβ around them caverns.Β βNumber one.Β Donβt tear off this or my brain will be inside a lilβ girl forever.βΒ I tapped on that June bug.
He started weezinβ away.Β βPerfect.Β What else?β
βDonβt kill no priests or nothinβ like that.β
βDonβt kill anyone, Country.Β Remember the treaty.Β You have to remember the treaty.Β If you fuck this up, The IT will get in trouble with God and then I will be sucking dicks and eating pussies for a long time.β
βDonβt kill nobody,β I said.
A red light started swirlinβ around on top a that window glass TV anβ a bunch a gravy started fillinβ up inside the trough.
Mr. Hopper counted down with them fingers a his.Β βThree.Β Two.Β One.Β Good luck, Country.Β Letβs send Phillips back to the caverns where he belongs. Β Goddamn Yankee.Β I think he lived in Boston when he was on Earth.β
βI donβt think I ever been to no Boston. But I donβt think Iβd like it.β
The top a that trough locked tight like a cigarette holder anβ the gravy completely filled it up.Β It dinβt smother me though, anβ it dinβt taste like no gravy I ever had before.
* * * * * *
I opened my eyes anβ spit out that gravy taste but nothinβ came out.Β The vacation ride made my big olβ brain feel drunker than Cooter Brown.Β Whoever the hell that was.
I looked around ta see where I was.Β I was in a toolshed, hiddinβ back in a corner behind a lawnmower.Β I scratched at it to see if was real anβ got my hand all tangled up in some spider webs.Β Yep, it was real, alright.Β I put my hand up my dress.Β There werenβt no man parts down there.Β I was inside a one a them lilβ girls.Β I dinβt wanna go up in there too far. Β I dinβt much like messinβ round with lilβ girls, I reckoned.
The door across that shed opened anβ I think I heard anβ bird chirpinβ.Β A lilβ olβ mouse scurried inta another corner.
βViolet?Β Are you in here?β the man hollered inta the shed.Β βItβs just Deacon Breshears, Deacon Prine and your pa.β
I peeked up over the side a the mower.Β Those barn doors into the shed opened about halfway.Β I was back.Β I was back on earth.
I heard a voice in that June bug on my ear.Β Country, can you hear me?
I looked out anβ saw them deacons enter the shed.
Country, itβs Hoop.Β Can you hear me?
I pressed on the June bug like Mr. Hooper.Β βI hear you,β I said.Β At least, I think I said.Β My voice sounded like a lilβ girl.Β βThis is weird.β
Donβt worry. The machine on your ear is cloaked when youβre in the earth realm. You successfully crossed the planes.Β What do you see?
Them deacons started ta enter the shed.Β βViolet, itβs your Pa. Weβre here to help you.β
I pressed on that June bug again anβ whispered like a cotton-tailed rabbit.Β βIβm in a shed.Β Some men is cominβ in here.Β I think they want ta help me.Β What should I do?β
Mr. Hooper laughed.
Flick the switch on the side of the receiver on your ear.Β I need to see whatβs happening.Β I need to handle the situation.Β Remember.Β No fuck ups or Iβm in the caverns for a long ass time.
I turned on that lilβ switch on the side a that June bug like Mr. Hooper tolβ me. Β I felt a breeze come from outside through a hole in the shed.Β It smelled nice like the magnolias were bloominβ on a Spring day.Β It smelled better than that burnt pig shit in them caverns.Β It smelled like home.Β It made me remember home.Β I even think I heard a bird chirpinβ outside.
Good work.Β I can see the door and the men.Β Keep looking in that direction.Β I need to know what we are dealing with.Β Remember.Β No killing.
I did as Mr. Hooper told me.Β Three shadows entered the shed.Β I grabbed onta the seat of the mower.
Oh shit.
βWhat, Mr. Hooper?Β What do you see?β I asked him.
Open your eyes.Β Code red, Country.Β They have bats and a shotgun.
He was right.Β As soon as them deacons anβ that pa got to the middle a that shed, one a them clicked on a light bulb with a string.Β Two was all chokinβ up on different bats anβ the man who wasnβt in a church outfit had a shotgun.Β I think that one was Pa.
βWhy do they have bats anβ guns, Mr. Hooper?β I asked him, gettinβ a lilβ chilly from the hole in the shed.
Jesus, Country.Β They know that youβre inside the little girl.Β Fucking Phillips blew our cover.Β We should abort.
βAbort?β
You should come back.Β Theyβve already won.Β Looks like itβs back to the caverns for me.Β Dammit!
βI ainβt goinβ back to no caverns,β I yelled out.
βViolet?β one a them men asked.Β βWeβre here to help you.Β Come on out of that corner.β
Abort, Country!Β Abort!
I stood up anβ brushed off that spring dress that lilβ girl had on. Β I tapped on the June bug.Β βI ainβt going back to them caverns!β
βViolet, baby.Β Itβs Pa.β
βWhat caverns, honey?β one a them men said to me.
I looked over next to me anβ grabbed digginβ spade.Β βYβall better not come back here.Β Iβll fuckinβ kill you, motherfuckers.Β I rip off them dicks a yours and eat βem up like possum pie.β
They all gasped as if they had never heard a swear before.
Country, Goddamit!Β Stand down!
βFuck you, Mr. Hooper.Β Iβm gonna win this football game,β I tolβ him.Β βYou ainβt gotta worry about suckinβ no more dicks or eatinβ no more vaginas.β
I jumped on top a that lawn mower seat anβ pulled that spade back behind my right ear.Β The lilβ girlβs hair fell in front a my face.Β βGet outta here, you fuckinβ Yankees!Β Go back ta Heaven.β
Two a them choked up further on their bats.Β βDaniel, go back in the house.Β You donβt need to see this.β
Pa stood there, crying like a woman.Β His shotgun fell onto the dirt floor.
One a them deacons stepped to me. βViolet, put down that shovel.β
The June bug started blarinβ static anβ buzzinβ in my ear but I couldnβt really hear nothinβ Mr. Hooper was sayinβ to me.Β I turned off that switch that he had me turn on.
βIβm a gonna kill you fuckers.βΒ I jumped at the deacon in front anβ shoved the spade right around his dick.Β He dropped to his knees anβ started begginβ me to stop.Β I shoved that thing in anβ out a his gullet like I was churninβ butter.Β A lot a his insides dumped onto the ground in front a him.Β He fell on his knees like he was startinβ to prey.Β He wasnβt prayinβ, though.Β He was tryinβ to pick up his gizzards anβ put it all back inside a him. Β Β I started stomping through all them guts like I was jumpinβ through sprinklers in the mud.Β I picked up a long string a them insides anβ wrapped it around his neck like I was puttinβ Christmas lights on a tree.Β He coughed anβ screamed anβ it smelled kinda like he mighta shit in his drawers.Β He started losing his breath anβ finally fell forward.Β I lifted up that spade anβ dug it clean through him from the other side. Β When he hit the ground flat and stopped flippinβ and floppinβ, I just dug my lilβ girl hands into them ears a his anβ pulled his head off.
That second deacon came at me with his bat anβ swung away, barely missinβ my head. Β Stupid Yankee.Β I walked on top a that one who was dead anβ shoved my lilβ girl fingers into his eyes.Β βYou donβt fuck with my team!βΒ I ripped around in his sockets anβ scratched his face, tearing all the skin right off.Β The water pouring outta his eyes tickled on my fingers anβ made me smile. Β I wasnβt in no cavern no more.Β Pa folded like a coward at a card table in the corner, squealing like a lilβ baby hog.Β All he could say was, βNo, Violet. Please stop.β
That second deacon came at me again.Β He dinβt really have much of a face no more.Β βLord give me power!β he cried.
I jumped off a the deacon whose head I ripped off on the floor a the shed.
That one without a face was a humminβ songs about God anβ lookinβ at me like he wanted ta kill.
I ran back over by the mower anβ climbed up on top a workbench. Β Β I snatched up two hammers that were sittinβ next ta my dirty, lilβ girl feet.
The deacon charged at me.Β βSatan!Β Leave this innocent child,β he growled.
I growled at him anβ he swung that bat a his anβ missed me again βcause I jumped like a bullfrog.Β It was about then that it become clear that I had some type a superhero powers.Β I threw myself at him anβ grabbed on to that neck a his, dragginβ him down to the dirt floor.
βPlease, God.Β Give me power to fight the evils ofββ
He dinβt say another word on a count a me smashinβ his mouth with the front a one a them hammers.Β I started laughinβ again as them teeth a his started jumpinβ around like popcorn on a hot stove.Β I got up anβ danced around him doinβ the dosey doe while he tried to grab that bat a his again.Β I took that other hammer anβ started usinβ that claw side to hack away at his throat. Β He was chokinβ anβ it sounded kinda like he was gurglinβ with bakinβ soda.Β I smacked that hammer inta the bottom of that chin a his and them danced back βround behind his head anβ ripped that jaw a his clean off a his head.
I heard Pa still crying.Β If he knew what was good for him, he would just count the seconds a life that he had left anβ enjoy the show.
I was done with the second deacon, so I dug both them hammers inta both sides a his forehead. Β I wasnβt countinβ but I musta smashed into that a his skull ten times.Β He tried to shake his head but he just dragged them claws further and further inta his skull.Β He picked up his jaw anβ his teeth anβ junk anβ then he tried his darndest to speak.Β I grabbed onta that tongue a his that was danglinβ like a dick on sex night, stepped on what was left a his throat anβ pulled it right out.Β I threw it over at Pa, lettinβ him know that he was next.
More static came through on the June bug.
Country!Β Goddamit!Β Abort!Β Do not engage.Β Turn your camera back on!
βI ainβt goinβ back to them caverns, Mr. Hooper.βΒ That second Yankee Deacon started to sputter out like truck runninβ outta gas so I stood up over him anβ started running piss out my new girl parts all that chest a his.Β βFuck you, deacon.Β There ainβt no God to help you now.Β You go anβ tell THAT to Mr. Phillips!Β I never did like no cheaters.β
He werenβt talkinβ no more so instead a goinβ on about the Devil anβ whatnot, I pulled them hammers outta his head.Β The second hammer was buried pretty deep but I jimmied it loose.Β I looked Pa straight in the face as I smashed both claws down next between them eyes a his. Β With all my lilβ girl superhero power might, I cracked that head a his open like the Grand Canyon.Β His eyes busted outta them sockets and landed next ta that pile a teeth anβ that jaw a his.Β The hammers flew outta my hands to both sides a that shed anβ I dug my face into the bowl I made outta his head.Β I had tasted varmint brain before, but I never did try human brain until that day.Β I hadnβt eaten nothinβ all those years in the caverns anβ it werenβt as good as I βmember steak beinβ but it was delicious on that day.
Country, what they fuck is going on up there?Β I canβt lock your location.Β I need to bring you back, now.Β You donβt want to be trapped up there.
I sniffed around like a coon hound to let Pa know that I was huntinβ.Β He was curled up in the corner with that shotgun a his across his lap.
βWhy are you crying, Pa?β I asked him and wiped some of them brains off a my face.Β All sorts a goo a muck dripped down the front a that dress a mine.Β That head a that first deacon was between us.Β I picked it up by the hair anβ rolled it like a bowling ball over to Pa.
βPlease, Violet,β he whimpered anβ tried to hide behind them hands a his.Β βPlease, Lord.Β Please, Lord.Β Save my Violet.β
More static came through that June bug but I couldnβt hear no Mr. Hooper.
I stubbed my toe into one a them circular saw tables on my way to go play with Pa anβ a blade fell near that lilβ girl foot a mine.
Pa put his hands together like he was a prayinβ.Β βPlease, God.Β Please, God.Β Please dispel this demon from my sweet Violet.β
I bent over in that lilβ girl dress anβ picked up that saw blade.Β One a them edges cut inta my finger.Β I licked my lilβ girl blood anβ spit it at Pa.Β He was still crying.Β It made me laugh.
Country, turn your camera back on!
Before I knew it, I was stadinβ over Pa.Β He stopped prayinβ anβ looked up at me.Β βViolet. Β Itβs Pa.Β Please come back to me.β
I raised up that saw blade anβ buried it inta that spot between the lilβ girlβs devil finger and ring finger.Β Mr. Hooper was right.Β It felt worse than getting that hand a hers stuck in a wood chipper. Β I pressed it down as far as it would go, crackinβ anβ breaking bones in that top a that lilβ girl hand.Β Then, when I finally buried it all the way down to my lilβ wrist, I bent them lilβ legs anβ started shittinβ on Paβs coveralls.
Pa stopped crying anβ I grabbed his hand.Β βTell that Yankee Phillips, that the South will rise again!β
I pulled Paβs arm out anβ right as he started shrieking, I used my new saw hand to chop of that arm a his clean off.Β I kept shittinβ as I stood on top a him. Β Β He laid down, taking in his own dirty defeat. Β Then, I just beat his face in with his own arm.Β That wasnβt killinβ him, so I took to the saw hand. I just started pullinβ him apart like a dog with a ragdoll.Β Arms.Β Then, legs.Β Then dick.Β Then balls.Β He was chokinβ on vomit anβ blood anβ whatever ever else so I helped him out anβ shoved his fingers from that dead arm inta his mouth.
Still laughinβ anβ shittinβ, I kinda just started cutting holes in his face.Β After I got tired a that, I totally sawed his head right down the dead center.Β Both sides fell onta them coward shoulders a his.Β There was blood goinβ everywhere in the shed like someone had shot a BB gun inta the side of a swimminβ pool.Β I dug inta his brain anβ ate away.Β My second non-vermin brain was better than the first one.Β Tasted every bit as good as squirrel.Β I think.
More static came through on that June bug.
Iβve got you.Β Youβre coming back, Country, you stupid fucking redneck.
* * * * * *
I opened my real eyes anβ the white trough started draining water like a bathtub.Β The cigarette case lid opened up, just like it closed.
Mr. Hooper ran over anβ smacked the side of the trough.Β βWhat in the fuck did you do?β
I shook the vacation sweatinβ outta my head anβ grabbed on to the side a that trough.Β βMaybe Iβm a lilβ bit more rock n roll than you was thinkinβ.β
He threw them hands a his up anβ down like he was wavinβ down a fire in barn.Β βWhat the fuck does that mean?β
I pulled man body up from the lawn chair anβ threw my leg over the side of the trough.Β βWell, you said that I was a βlittle bit country,β anβ I said I was βa little bit rock n roll.ββ
βIs that a joke?Β Is that a fucking joke?β he cursed.Β βHow do you even fucking remember that?β
βI dunno,β I tolβ him.Β βI was just playinβ the sport like you tolβ me to.β
He stomped over to that Lite Brite typewriter anβ punched a few a them keys.Β βJesus, Country.Β I told you not to kill anyone.Β What in the fuck was that?Β Are you so fucking stupid that you took the sports reference literally?βΒ He tapped on that June bug in his ear.Β He waited a bit.Β He pushed some more buttons.Β Then he looked back at me.Β βYou killed two of Godβs servants.Β An innocent man. Β The girl is dead for sure.Β You shoved a fucking saw blade straight through her hand, down to her wrist.Β Itβs too late to send in a clean-up crew.Β That tool shed is swarming with angels.β
βThey was tryinβ to get me,β I tolβ him.
He threw a big bunch a papers across the room at me.Β βYou know that this means I have to go back down to the caverns, right?Β Looks like itβs thousands of years of me sucking The ITβs dick and pussy again.Β Fuck!β
βI dinβt mean to get you in no trouble.β
His face went white like he just saw a General Leeβs ghost.Β He lifted that fat olβ finger a his anβ put it to his lips.Β He wanted me to shut up.
I grabbed at the water bottle.Β It was full again.
He tapped at that June bug on his ear.Β βHello, Phillips.β
I wasnβt up there for very long but I knew that breeze sure felt good.Β I tickled that June bug in my ear on the belly.Β The arms pumped in an out like water pump at a well.Β Maybe that June bug dinβt have to stay on my ear, after all.
Mr. Hooper fell back in that seat a his anβ laid back on it like it was a rockinβ chair on a porch.Β His belly stuck out anβ popped one a them buttons on that shirt a his.Β He dinβt even know.Β βYes, Phillips.Β Iβm quite aware of what happened.β
He let out a big gasp anβ listened to his June bug. Β I drank some more water.
βYes, Phillips, I get it.Β Well, it was your job to process him.Β Iβm just supposed to handle him.β
I flipped on that switch on the side a my June bug anβ looked at Mr. Hooper and then at the glass TV on top a that desk a his.Β It was a TV camera, I reckoned.
βOf course I know that Iβm the one who took the bet,β he started yammerinβ on again.Β βI know he wasnβt ready, you scumbag.Β You took advantage of me.Β Phillips?Β Phillips?Β Phillips?βΒ Anβ then I saw him tickle the belly on that June bug in his ear anβ flip the switch up anβ down three times.Β The bugβs legs came off from βround his ear anβ he threw it across the room.
I was right.
It did come off.
I started walkinβ over to where he threw it to get it for him.
When I started bendinβ over, he started screaminβ.
βYou fucking idiot.Β Donβt bother with that.Β I wonβt need that where Iβm going.β
When I touched his June bug, it crawled away so I dinβt bother with it no more.Β βWhere are you goinβ?Β Donβt we have more games to play?β
βUnfortunately for me, Iβm going back to the caverns for Lord only know how long,β he started cryinβ.Β βPhillips is going to be your new handler.β
βMr. Hooper, I dinβt mean no harm,β I tolβ him.Β βI was just doinβ what felt right.β
He walked over to me anβ put his hand on my shoulder.Β βI get it, Country. Β You didnβt know.Β It was my mistake.Β I should never have explained the job to you the way I did.Β Moreso, I should never have sent you on a mission without any training.β
Then, outta nowhere.Β A bunch a red sirens started flashinβ all around the room.Β They werenβt there before, I donβt think.
βWhat the hell now?β Mr. Hooper yelled as he wiped all them tears off a his fat face.Β He started runninβ after the June bug but it was too fast for him.Β βHelp me, Country.Β I need to get this.β
I ran over by him anβ chased that June bug across that floor, up anβ down the walls until we finally cornered it by the trough.
βDonβt break it, Country. I need it.β
I put my hands down anβ cupped βem together.Β That June bug, with all his hundreds a legs crawled right inta my fingers like a cradle.Β I slowly got up anβ put out my hands.Β I spose it was the least I could do for poor olβ Mr. Hooper.
He plucked that lilβ fella up my a few of its legs anβ put it over his ear.Β He tapped on the side.Β βPhillips?Β What now?β
βCode Red five, five, niner?Β Not possible.βΒ He walked back to that Lite Brite typewriter anβ pushed a few buttons.Β Some stuff happened on that window glass TV.Β βNot gonna happen, Phillips.β Β He turned a dial on the side a the desk. Β βI understand that weβre short-staffed.Β He just killed four people.Β There is no way Iβm going to send him up again.β
He put those hands a his and pushed them downward.Β βIβll ask him.β
I took a drink a that water bottle.Β βWhat does all these lights mean, Mr. Hooper?β
He tapped the June bug.Β βWe have a situation.Β A big situation.Β A Code Red five, five, niner, to be exact.β
βI donβt know what all that means,β I confessed.
βIt means that God and his teamβ¦ I mean associatesβ¦ are about to take down one of our most precious hosts.Β They are apparently angry about what happened earlier.β
βYou mean with me?β
βYes, Country.Β With you.β
βWell?β I asked him.Β βWhat can we do?β
βPhillips wants to send you back into this host to fight off Godβs associates.Β I told him Iβd ask you.β
I tickled that June bug on my ear.Β It was my chance.Β If Mr. Hooper was goinβ back to the caverns, then so was I.Β I sure didnβt have a whole lotta interest in suckinβ no ITβs dick.Β βIβll do it.Β I swear I wonβt kill nobody this time.β
He let outta giant gasp a air.Β βMaybe we donβt have to go back to the caverns.Β Get in the pod and prepare for transfer.β
He meant that trough.Β I did as I was told.
He tapped on his June bug.Β βPhillips.Β Weβll do it.Β You have to promise me, though that if we do succeed in protecting the asset that you will stand up for me.β
Mr. Hopper snapped his finger at the trough anβ then started tappinβ away at that Lite Brite typewriter.Β βGet in,β he tolβ me.
βThank you, Phillips,β he said.Β βI know we havenβt fixed this situation yet, but, thank you.βΒ He tapped on his June bug anβ walked over next to me.Β βThey are going to let us do it, Country.Β Sweet, Jesus.β
βSweet Jesus,β I said, too.
He bent down about the same time that lawn chair started dropping into that trough.Β The gravy started coming up around me again.Β βWhat are the rules, Country?Β Please listen to me this time.β
βNo killinβ no one.β
βAnd?β he tapped on my June bug.
βAnd donβt take this off or turn her off.β
He put up his hand like he was saluting me.Β βThank you for serving the IT, soldier.β
I saluted him back.Β Figured it was the right thing to do.
The cigarette case lid started ta fold over me anβ the gravy filled up the trough.Β There was no way that I was goinβ back to them caverns ever again.
* * * * * *
I opened my eyes.
I was in bed.Β I reached down tween my legs like I had before.Β There was no man parts there but there sure was blood all over that lilβ girlβs legs.
I looked at my fingers.Β They were lilβ girl fingers.
There was a song playinβ on a record player in the room.Β I recognized it.
That song was called, βA Little Bit Country, A Little Bit Rock N Roll.β
I always liked that song.Β I think that it was my favorite song.
A dirty olβ fan was blowinβ cold air at me from a nightstand.Β I heard crickets a chirpinβ outside the window.
I tapped on the June bug.Β βMr. Hooper, can you hear me.β
Yes.Β Now turn on the camera.
I got up outta that bed anβ looked out the window.Β I saw a nice farm outside and a rusty olβ swing set.Β I knew that swing set.Β Was it mine?Β I took a sip of a glass a water next to that fan.Β Two hound dogs ran by chasinβ a squirrel.Β All them years in the cavern made me forget how much I loved beinβ alive.
I wanted to be alive again.
βI donβ think that I am gonna turn on that camera, Mr. Hooper,β I whispered.
What are you talking about, Country?Β Turn on the camera.Β We have to protect the assets.Β We had a deal!
I started rubbinβ on the June bug just like Mr. Hooper had before.Β βNo, we dinβt have no deal.Β You had a deal with Mr. Phillips anβ that IT.β
Goddamn you, Country.Β You canβt do this to me.Β You signed a contract.
βThatβs where youβre wrong.Β I never signed nothinβ anβ nothinβ has been processed.Β You said it yourself.βΒ I clicked the switch on the June bug up anβ down three times anβ it started cominβ loose from my ear.Β βI wanna be alive again, Mr. Hooper.Β I donβt ever wanna go back ta them caverns.β
Donβt do this, Country!Β You canβt do this to me!Β
The June Bug jumped off a my ear onta the floor anβ I dinβt hear nothinβ in my ear no more.Β I was a free man.Β Free to be back on the earth, listeninβ to my favorite song anβ feelinβ the breeze from a hot summer night.
I got outta the bed anβ started stomping away at the June bug with my bare foot to the beat a that song by Donnie anβ Marie that I remembered lovinβ so much.Β It clicked anβ fizzed anβ sparked. Β Finally, it was all outta juice.
I walked across my new room anβ picked up a lilβ rag doll.Β I took it back in bed with me.Β It wasnβt as good as feelinβ a woman next to me in bed but it was better than hell.Β It was better than them caverns anβ it was better than takinβ orders from fat, olβ Mr. Hooper.
Just before I started ta fall asleep in my new life, my great new life, the door to the bedroom creaked open anβ a lilβ bit a light shined in from the hall.Β A man came into the room anβ made his way over that new bed next to me.
He sat down.
It was me.
Recognize yourself, Deacon Futch?
I started blinkinβ anβ huffinβ.Β I tried talkinβ back to Mr. Hooperβs voice in my head but no words were cominβ out that lilβ girlβs mouth.Β βHow can you talk to me?β I asked him in my mind.
Oh, come on, Johnny.Β Do you really think that Hell is in the business of giving people promotions and sending them to earth for vacation?Β Ha!Β
βI donβ understand, sir.Β Please bring me back now!β Β I kept yellinβ but nothinβ was cominβ out.
The man, me, started runninβ his wet hands through that lilβ girl hair a mine with one a his hands anβ then he started rubbinβ up inside my bloody girl parts.
There is no back.Β There are no agents.Β There are no handlers.Β There is no Phillips.Β Our job is to punish people for their sins.Β It is Hell, after all.
Then, it all came back to me as quick as momma bird bringinβ food back to her nest.
I was Deacon Johnny Futch.
I had my way with the lilβ girls a my flock.Β I raped them.Β I beat them.Β I tolβ them that I could rid their bodies of the Devilβs evil.Β The lilβ girl I was inside aβ¦ well, I killed her.Β Her Ma and Pa tolβ me that she had the devil in her on a counta she was bleeding outta her body anβ carryinβ on.
I buried her lilβ body under that swing set outside a that window.
I canβt really say it was a pleasure getting to know you.
And then, just as my head went quiet again, the other me pushed my lilβ girl head inta that pillow on that bed.Β The lilβ girl tried to scream.Β I tried to scream.Β Nobody heard nothinβ.Β A belt unbuckled for the first time in what would be a zillion more.Β Forever. I felt my own penis go inside that lilβ girl as those wet, bloody hands wrapped around that lilβ girl throat.
Welcome to your eternity, Deacon Futch.
π§ Available Audio Adaptations: None Available
Written by Drew Stepek Edited by Craig Groshek Thumbnail Art by Craig Groshek Narrated by N/Aπ More stories from author: Drew Stepek
Publisher's Notes: N/A Author's Notes: N/AMore Stories from Author Drew Stepek:
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