15 Aug Unaired Pilot

When I was ten years old, I got lost in the woods while my family was camping. I went to walk along the trails near our campsite and got turned around. After thirty minutes of walking in circles, worry and dread bubbled to the surface. I was starting to think I’d never get out of these woods alive.

But something else emerged inside me, too: determination. I knew I had what it took to find my way back. I sat for a few minutes to recalibrate my thoughts and let the calm wash over me. The calmer I was, the clearer my thinking became. Once I removed the fear, solutions started to present themselves. I was out and back at the campsite ten minutes later, my parents none the wiser.

Most people would’ve been grateful they found their way back and never strayed too far from civilization again. Not me. Getting lost in nature activated the primal part of my brain. The clarity I felt out there was a feeling I’ve been chasing for my entire life. From that moment, I’ve thrown myself into the survivalist lifestyle and never looked back. Twenty years on, I’m confident I can survive anywhere.

I’m damn good at this.

I was stoked when I saw the casting notice for the show at the army surplus store. A production company was looking for survivalists to be dropped in the woods and document their lives as they lived off the land. I was built for this and applied as soon as I got home. Within a week, I did a phone interview. Another week, I was screen testing. A month later, I was airlifted to the middle of some Eastern European wilderness to compete for a big cash prize.

One thing that happens to you when you start down the survivalist path is that your sense of fear dulls. It’s not that you don’t get scared anymore – a charging bear would terrify anyone – but you learn to mitigate the feeling. When you turn your fear into a problem that needs to be solved, it takes the sting out of the emotion. Something stalking you in the woods? Stop, assess, and make a plan. Stay rational, and don’t let the darkness creep in. Everything is a problem that needs to be solved.

This approach had served me well for years. I’ve had some pretty horrifying experiences in nature that would turn a weaker person’s hair white. Sudden monsoons, bears raiding my camp, wolves stalking me as I gathered firewood – you name it, I’ve dealt with it.

But nothing prepared me for dealing with a “Screaming Mimi.”

About a week into the start of the game, I was sitting pretty. I had built a sturdy campsite, found a freshwater stream, and caught half a dozen fish. If things kept up, this wasn’t going to be a problem. I also found myself getting incredibly comfortable talking to the camera. Sometimes, I would narrate what I was doing and why, and how it would help me. Other times, I spoke to it like it was a friend I could unburden my troubles on. It helped keep my sanity.

I had taken to watching the sunset every evening. It was my reward for surviving another day. Watching the orange globe slip behind the treeline became my daily mass. A moment to reflect and contemplate. There are no guarantees in life, only that it’ll end one day. Watching the sky turn from blue to black was a reminder to treasure every day we get to be on this side of the grave.

My church, for lack of a better word, was near the creek where I gathered fresh water. It was about five hundred feet from my campsite, so not a major hike, but everything was more challenging in the dark. I always took the camera with me because it provided a little light to help guide me back. I also got into the habit of narrating what I was seeing – or not seeing – the world around me like David Attenborough. Was it dumb? Yes. Did it help make the vast darkness less scary? Yes. Would it get me more screen time? Absolutely.

It was always better if I saw a squirrel or a chipmunk because I could list everything I remembered about them. But when I couldn’t, I just invented creatures to talk about. While the creatures were imaginary, I was also drawing on a pool of information I had found before I left. When I discovered where we were going, I did a deep research dive on everything I thought I’d need to know to survive out here.

What started as discovering edible plants of Eastern Europe quickly devolved into looking up the area’s lore. Eastern Europe is home to countless myths and legends. There was some pretty wild shit that would worry the most stoic person. I was hooked. I spent more time looking up monsters than I did anything else. In hindsight, probably not the best use of my time.

But if I’ve learned anything from watching the show, it’s that you have to entertain yourself first and foremost. If you don’t, you’ll go crazy. Narrating my nightly walks home was helping to keep me sane. There was a creative aspect to making shit up. “Ah, here we see the elusive deep woods gollywhop. It stalks its prey before digging its knife-like appendages into the back of the unfortunate victim. The death…is a painful one.” My Attenborough is terrible, and I usually ended each extended riff in peals of laughter, but it helped to keep me sane. Plus, it made for good TV.

Later that night, I woke up when I heard what sounded like a deer screaming in distress. That wasn’t uncommon in nature – deer get killed all the time. But what set me on edge was that it was really close. Like, “fifty feet from my campsite” close. I grabbed my knife and got my boots back on. I was ready to run if I had to.

For the next hour, I heard the sickening snapping of bones and sinew as the deer was devoured by the predator. I wasn’t sure what kind of animal had taken down the deer and wouldn’t until the morning. I could look at the tracks and plan accordingly. Until then, I sat and listened to the tearing of flesh, the wet slap of meat hitting the ground, and the crack of broken bones. Whatever was out there was enjoying its meal.

Naturally, I didn’t get much sleep after that. As soon as dawn broke, I made my way over to where I heard the struggle. The scene wasn’t what I was expecting. In my time in the wilderness, I’ve seen plenty of kill areas, but nothing prepared me for this.

It didn’t look like the predator killed for food. It looked like it killed for sport. The carcass had been placed on its back against a tree. The deer was split open, and its insides now resided on the outside. They hadn’t been touched. The antlers had been snapped and splintered like something heavy had hit it over the head. There was blood and black goo everywhere.

But the most unsettling thing was what I found along the top of the deer’s back. There were two massive holes along its spine like they’d been stabbed by someone wielding dual machetes. For a second, I thought maybe one of the other contestants had made their way over to me, but I knew that was impossible. We were all scattered like seeds to the wind. But what else would’ve caused this massacre?

I looked for footprints in the dirt but didn’t find anything. I assumed last night’s rain had washed them out, but for a fleeting second, I thought that maybe something had covered its tracks. Needless to say, I was on edge the rest of the day. I did a little exploring to make sure whatever had killed the deer wasn’t hanging out near me.

After a few hours of looking, I was certain that nothing was hanging around and went on with my daily routine. I had some projects I needed to finish, and started working on them. I wanted to keep my mind busy so as not to dwell on whatever killed the deer. I was mostly successful.

Toward the end of the day, I made my familiar trek to my church to pray for another successful twelve hours. I found myself being particularly moved by the sunset. I sat and cried out of gratitude. Being alone in the woods can wear on a person, regardless of how tough they are.

On my walk back, I continued with my Planet Earth narration. “Off to the left, you’ll hear the leaping of the common brown squirrel. If things go right, that squirrel will be in my cooking pot by morning.” I chuckled to myself and walked a few more steps. “Not to be outdone, there is the wild ballamar. This native species is known for its razor-sharp teeth and penchant for biting its victims in the Achilles tendon. Nastier than any Trojan soldier, I should think.”

I saw my campfire in the near distance, and I was about to put away the camera when I heard something start to growl off to my left, about twenty feet into the woods. I froze. I felt for where my knife usually was, but remembered I had taken it off to clean a fish and hadn’t put it back. I turned the camera towards where I had heard the noise and scanned for what had made the noise.

I was splitting my attention between the viewfinder of the camera and the dark woods in front of me. I tried to stay as still as possible, but I was shivering. It wasn’t from the cold.

“Hey there,” I yelled out. “Stay away!”

Then the camera’s light reflected off a pair of eyes staring back at me. They were a few feet off the ground, like whatever animal they belonged to was stalking me. My yelling hadn’t scared whatever this was away. It just let them know exactly where I was.

“I’m big!” I yelled, trying to make myself sound so. “Stay away!”

The eyes suddenly rose another three feet off the ground. It was standing on its hind legs now. My mind flashed immediately to “bear.” It had to be a bear. I let out a deep scream to try to frighten the creature away.

It worked.

The bear let out a little growl, then turned and ran back into the woods. As I heard it crash through the underbrush, I let out a sigh of relief. “Holy fuck,” I said, “that…that was not cool.” I started laughing, but it was more manic than anything. “Goddamn mother nature.”

That night, when I was hunkering down for the evening, I decided to review the footage I shot. Sure enough, I managed to capture a pretty good shot of the bear. He was a mean-looking sucker, and those eyes shining back at me gave me chills.

I was about to put the camera away when something else on the viewfinder caught my eye. After the bear ran off, the camera lingered in the same spot for a beat. While I yammered on about something stupid, I saw a second pair of eyes shimmer in the light. They didn’t run away.

That was when I understood what it felt like to be truly alone. Granted, I had survived now for a few weeks, and things had gotten hairy at times, but nothing made me feel fear like seeing that second set of eyes staring back at me. Those eyes belonged to something that wasn’t afraid of a massive bear. Those eyes looked right past that alpha predator and into my soul.

I didn’t sleep that night.

When the sun rose the following day, it did more than simply warm me up. It was also a harbinger of good news. Today was the day the medical team paid me a visit. They don’t always show the medical check-ups on the TV show, but by law, they are required to do so. I looked forward to the days when they’d arrive, if only because it broke up the monotony of bush living.

I heard the boat before I saw it. I was waiting on the shore and saw the prow break through the fog. I waved my hands and watched as the boat cut through the glassy water, creating ripples throughout my little cove. They beached and walked over. I gave them all hugs.

“You okay?” the medic asked, taking my blood pressure.

“Rough night,” I said.

“Seems to be a trend today.”

“Why is that?”

“I shouldn’t tell you,” he said, finishing up the test. “One ten over seventy. Not too shabby.”

“You gotta tell me,” I pleaded.

“Joan got bit on the back of her leg by something. Nasty wound. She got helicoptered out last night.”

“Jesus,” I said.

“Lot of blood at her campsite.”

“What bit her?”

The medic shrugged, “No clue. She told us she heard screaming before she was attacked. Screaming or bellowing, something like that. She was in shock, though, so who knows.”

“Oh my God.”

“Yeah, it’s crazy. The teeth marks were unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Whatever got her did a number on her.”

“She’s so nice,” I said.

“She’ll be lucky if they can save the leg,” the medic said. “How you feeling? Okay?”

“Still have both my legs.”

“For now,” the medic said with a laugh, “be safe, huh?”

“As always.”

They ran a few more tests and then slipped back into the fog and out of sight. After they left, I sat on the beach and thought about Joan. We had met at the pre-show boot camp, and we hit it off. Honestly, I was a little attracted to her. Intimidated, too. She was no joke. I remember thinking, she has a legit shot at winning this whole thing.

But now she might lose her leg to an animal bite. That didn’t bother me too much; we’re in nature, and that can happen. But the medic admitting they’d never seen a bite like that troubled me. I knew the woods well, and we got a crash course on the animals that lived in this area, and I was struggling to think of what it might’ve been.

I stayed on the beach for a while. I knew I had things to do, but I couldn’t will myself to get going. I kept going back to those second set of eyes. What were they? And what had disfigured Joan? I tried to imagine the pain, and I shuddered.

After a half hour of idle time, I finally hauled myself up off the beach and turned to head back to my camp and get the day started. But as soon as I stood up, my eyes caught something unnatural on the shore. I saw a bunch of driftwood washed up on the beach, but that wasn’t what was odd. What caught me off guard was that it looked like the driftwood spelled out the name “Mimi.”

I walked over to the sticks to get a closer look when I suddenly heard a growl from the treeline behind me. I stopped and turned my attention there and thought I might have to make a swim for it. While my attention was distracted, a wave came up and washed away the driftwood, so I never got a real good look at it.

“Hey, bear!” I yelled. I heard rustling in the trees, and then something big ran away. I sighed and then started laughing. This place could work your last nerve like a boxer on a speed bag. I decided that to get my mind off all this nonsense, I needed to start my daily chores. Working the land helped keep my mind occupied. If I kept myself busy thinking about gathering firewood or catching fish, I wouldn’t think about some animal ripping Joan’s tendon apart or some mysterious animal stalking me.

Even though I stayed busy, my head was on a swivel. Deep in the back of my mind, those eyes were haunting me. Watching and waiting for something. I’d feel a chill run down my spine and turn around to see if something was there. There never was.

Right before sunset, I decided to gather some firewood. I grabbed my ax and went to an area I was slowly deforesting. I started hacking away at an old log when I heard something moving in the brush near me. I stopped chopping and eyed the greenery around me.

I heard a branch snap to my left, and I spun to face whatever was over there. I couldn’t see anything, but I knew something was there. “Hey,” I yelled, “I know where you are!”

I heard a snort in response. At first, I thought that bear had made its way back, but then it started to yelp like a hurt dog. The screams were loud and stung my ears. There weren’t supposed to be any wild dogs or coyotes near us, so whatever this was, it mimicked them.

“Hey!” I yelled again, trying to get my voice as deep and Barry White-like as possible, “I know you ain’t a coyote!”

The yelping instantly stopped. I clutched my ax handle so hard I was afraid I would snap it in two. That’s when I heard laughing coming from the bushes. Human laughing. I was taken aback. That couldn’t be true. There wasn’t another person near me for miles.

I swallowed hard. “If you come near me, I swear to god I’ll take your head clean off.” The laughing got louder and louder. Then there was an ear-piercing scream. I dropped to the ground and slapped my hands over my ears. Whatever screamed took off running into the woods.

After the ringing in my ears stopped, I scooped up my ax and high-tailed it back to camp. I didn’t get any extra firewood. I didn’t go to church that night. I went back to my camp and debated tapping out. After an hour or so, I put the satellite phone back down and decided to try and stick it out.

As the sun slipped behind the treeline and night came rushing in, I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand. I knew whatever was out there would be back. I knew I had to stay vigilant, or something terrible would happen to me. I didn’t know exactly what I was dealing with, but I knew I would go down swinging.

Everything was fine for the first few hours. The only sound I heard was the crackling of my fire. It lulled me into complacency. I felt my eyelids start to get heavy. The day’s work and stress were taking a toll on me. As I drifted into sleep, I heard the unmistakable sound of a woman screaming. In fear. Right behind my tent.

I snapped awake and grabbed my ax. I used the camera’s light to light up the area in front of me. I walked through the brush, listening for the screaming again. As I got deeper into the bush, I heard another scream. It was definitely a woman, but that didn’t make any sense.

“Hello,” I yelled out. “Do you need help?”

Another scream, about fifty yards in front of me. I swallowed hard. A cool wind started to blow, but it wasn’t shaking the trees. It was only blowing across the back of my neck. I dropped the camera and swung around with the ax, but there wasn’t anyone behind me. The momentum of my swing sent me spinning onto the ground.

While on the ground, I looked back in the direction the breeze had come from and noticed depressions in the mud behind me. I grabbed the camera and shone the light on them to reveal cloven hoof prints. At first, I thought wild boar, but I hadn’t seen any traces of wild boar near my campsite.

“The fuck,” I said to myself.

I pointed the camera at the hoof prints. They trailed off into the darkness. I stood back up and started following them. They went for about ten feet before they stopped at the base of a pine tree. I looked to see if they went around the tree, but they didn’t. They just stopped at the bottom of the tree. It didn’t make any sense.

Then I felt something drip onto my face. When I touched it, I instantly knew it wasn’t water. It was too viscous. I pointed the camera at my fingers and saw they were black, just like the goo I had seen where the deer had been mutilated. I cursed to myself, aimed the camera light straight up the tree, and craned my neck to get a good look.

At first, I didn’t see anything. But then another drop of the black goo fell onto my face near my mouth. A bit hit my tongue, and I nearly retched on the spot. It tasted like spoiled meat. I spat it out and then heard laughing from above me.

I looked back up and saw a pair of red glowing eyes and a row of razor-sharp teeth smiling down at me like a demented Cheshire cat. It clicked instantly: I was face-to-face with a Screaming Mimi. Before I could even comprehend what I was looking at, it screamed and then leapt from the tree into the darkness.

I scrambled to my feet and swung the camera’s light around. I was looking for where this little monster had gone. My gut said they were between me and my camp, so rushing back right now wasn’t an option. Even if I did, my tent was made of wood and tarp – not exactly the sturdiest building material. If this thing chomped Jane’s tendon from her bone, it would make short work of my camp.

In the distance, I heard the fake coyote yelps again. They seemed to be coming from my left, but as soon as I started inching that way, the sound started coming from my right. It was like the Mimi could throw its voice. While I was trying to decide which way I should go, I heard a woman scream about a hundred yards in front of me.

“Help! Help! I’m lost!”

There was no logical way another soul was near me. No one would be. I was in the middle of the woods, miles from civilization.

“I was with the medical team. We were out here to extract another person, but we were attacked by something,” the voice yelled. “I ran and got turned around. If anyone can hear me, please help! I’ve been cut, and I’m bleeding.”

I shut the light off. The woman’s voice sounded sincere, and her story made sense. No one had ever been seriously injured by an animal in the show’s history. If someone got bit by an unidentified creature, they might move in a team to pull everyone.

Then I heard my name. The woman was yelling specifically for me. “I think your camp is near here. It’s Violet, we met at boot camp! I did your first medical exam! If you can hear me, please help. This cut is deep, and I need help.”

Everything they said was true. Now that I had a name to go with the voice, I could see Violet in my head. We did meet that first week. She did do my first medical check-up. I knew Mimi was out there and was capable of mimicry, but how did she know that information?

About ten feet above me, I heard the growl of a bear. I looked up to see a tree snapping back as something very large jumped onto another tree. The way this massive pine snapped back, I was afraid it would split in two and fall on me. I rolled out of the way but tried to keep my eyes on the canopy.

“Oh my god!” Violet yelled, “I can see it! Please! If you can hear me, help! HELP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP!”

Then she screamed as the Mimi above me started laughing. There was no way this creature could do two different voices at the same time. Violet had to be there. She must be hurt. I turned the camera light back on.

“Violet! I’m over here. Can you see the light? Follow the sound of my voice!”

“Oh my god! You’re here! You’re actually here!”

I moved away from the tree and near a clearing. I felt pine needles drop on me as the Mimi in the tree above me shuffled and split its attention between Violet and me. I still had my ax and wasn’t above burying it into that monster’s head if it came to it.

“I’ll distract them! Come towards my voice!”

I grabbed my ax and swung it into the tree. I did it again and again, the wood splinters hitting me in the face as I chopped away at the base of the tree. I was gonna take this bitch down.

The Mimi looked down at me and snarled. In quick glances, I saw those red eyes and razor-sharp teeth. I couldn’t make out any kind of shape outside of that. It looked feral, whatever it was. I thought I also saw two pigtails swing in front of those eyes, but it could’ve been anything. My attention was on bringing this tree down.

The Mimi jumped from the tree, and the force from the leap was enough to send the tree crashing towards the ground. I screamed out, “Violet! Watch out!” The tree hit the ground with a loud thud, sending dirt flying into the air.

I grabbed the camera light and tried to get a clear view of Violet or Mimi. I knew they were near each other out there in the cloud. “Violet! Are you okay? Say something!”

As the dust started settling, I caught the shape of a figure standing on the other side of the clearing. It was Violet. She was okay. I broke into a fit of nervous laughter.

“Jesus Christ!” I yelled. “Are you okay? Is it near you?”

Violet walked toward me, but I still couldn’t see her features through a combination of the night and the settling dirt in the air. I took a few steps toward her, and then stopped dead in my tracks. The form of the shady figure in front of me morphed from something Violet-sized to something a lot smaller, like a little girl…with pigtails. Then they smiled, and I saw those razors grinning back at me. Their eyes turned red and narrowed on me.

There never was a Violet out here. There was only a screaming Mimi.

“Oh fuck,” I said, swinging my ax up to my shoulders. Mimi reared its head back and let out a glass-shattering scream. I dropped to the ground and covered my ears, but it was too late. They were ringing, and the outside world sounded muffled. The only thing I could hear clearly was my rapidly beating heart.

I was fucked, and I knew it. I could turn and run, but this thing would catch me. It had been toying with me for a while now and wanted its reward. My only option was to stay and fight. I had an ax and the will to go down swinging. If nothing else, I had a puncher’s chance.

I clawed back to my feet and squared my stance. I gripped the ax hard. “If you’re gonna do this, let’s do this!” I yelled, probably louder than I normally would have. My hearing was seriously fucked.

My heart was racing, and I could feel each beat reverberate through my body. It felt like I was buzzing. I came into the wilderness to survive, and this was the ultimate test. Fuck making a fire. It was time to scalp a ghoul.

The Mimi screamed again and rushed towards me. I waited and wondered what it would feel like if those teeth sank into my skin. I had leaned out already. They’d probably chomp down to my bones. Plus, this Mimi was pissed at me – there’d be revenge. I swallowed hard.

My heart was beating so hard that I thought I might keel over before I even had a chance to fight back. I thought I felt it in my limbs, but then I realized I was feeling and hearing something else. A helicopter.

Suddenly, over the treeline, a spotlight shone in the clearing. The medical helicopter had returned. Mimi growled and screamed, but it was drowned out by the whirring blades above me. Someone from inside the helicopter tossed something out on the ground. It was a flashbang.

The sudden burst of light nearly blinded me. I slammed my lids shut, but I could see white rings on the inside of my eyelids. I heard Mimi’s scream just over the din of the blades. I opened my eyes and let them adjust. They tried, but my vision was still fucked. I did see the Mimi turn and run into the darkness.

“Head to the beach now!” I heard over a loudspeaker. I didn’t hesitate. I turned and ran, stumbling, as fast as my shoddy eyes and wobbly legs would take me. I heard the helicopter arc overhead and head for the beach.

A few minutes later, I burst through the trees and was greeted by six heavily armed soldiers and the show’s medical team. They waved me over, and we all scrambled onto the helicopter. A few seconds later, we were rising above the woods.

“You okay?” the medic asked.

“No,” I said, “but I’ll be fine.”

The medic laughed and patted me on the shoulder. I kept my eyes peeled to the woods below. I knew the screaming Mimi was looking up at me, too. As we banked away, I swear I saw it walk onto the beach where the helicopter had landed.

I saw those red eyes.

When I returned to base camp, I discovered they had pulled everyone from the woods. Some people were banged up, but some were dealing with serious injuries. Later, they told us the screaming Mimi had come for all of us. When I asked what it was, they didn’t answer. They just gave me an NDA to sign. In exchange, we all got paid. Handsomely.

I’m telling you this now because fuck it. Even if they sue me and take everything, I’ll just go live off the land. I’ve done it before, I can do it again. My guess is they won’t do shit – discovery in a lawsuit can be a surprise package that might just be a pipe bomb. Deny it, and it dies.

I still don’t have any clue what the hell a screaming Mimi is, or what it wants, or where it came from or anything. It’s a mystery I do not want to explore. Eastern Europe is filled with ghosts already. I’m content to let them all fuck off together.

I still camp off the grid. I need to. It’s a feeling I get in my bones, the desire to reconnect with nature. These days, though, I bring a pretty wild collection of weapons with me. If the ax and knife can’t stop something, maybe the holy water will. Haven’t had to use it yet, but I’m ready.

I’m always ready.